The antidote to living a sped-up life

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Retreat.

Last month’s article about our sped-up culture generated some interesting responses (Why I can’t Drive 55) on the blog. Many people feel overwhelmed and don’t know how to get off the no-so-merry-go-ground.

In recent years, I’ve become a huge advocate of an effective antidote to stressed-out living: retreats. Putting life on hold for a specific number of days, essentially pressing ‘pause’, is incredibly effective at helping people slow down and re-establish a healthy pace.

“Oh, no. I couldn’t possibly.”

If your first response to the idea of a retreat is resistance, you probably need it more than you think.

Your spirit gets depleted whenever your work needs you — or your kids, or parents, or whomever — to the point where you can’t ever leave. If this sounds like you, my heart goes out to you.

Most of the self-employed people I know are just a step from running on fumes. They try to solve this by adding things to their lives — new things like social events, possessions, foods, et cetera. But all this newness and novelty wears off pretty quickly, leaving us with more commitments and possessions to maintain.

Retreating is about allowing yourself to be nourished by simplicity.

Reasons not to…

As enticing at it may sound, we resist retreating for lots of reasons. Commitments — the kids, the business, the logistics, and the expense — are part if it. Look a little deeper and you’ll find other reasons:

• I’m afraid of upsetting or disappointing my family and friends.
• Whatever would I do with all that time?
• What if I discover something I want to change about my life?

When it comes down to it, one of the biggest reasons we resist retreating is fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of upsetting the status quo. These are absolutely valid feelings. If you feel this way, make some space for them to come up. Sit with them and see if you want to retreat despite the presence of fears.

Feel the fear and do it anyway.

Fear isn’t always red light; sometimes it’s a yield sign. Look both ways, and proceed.

13 years ago, when I took my fist solo retreat with guidance from Jen Louden’s The Woman’s Retreat Book, I was excited and also nervous. I took the leap and discovered things about myself I had never known. I felt renewed. Alive. It was worth the risk.

View a retreat as a tune-up for your heart. You can’t change the oil and spark plugs while you’re speeding down the road. The vehicle must leave the road temporarily in order to receive this restorative maintenance. Going on retreat takes you away from everyday life so that your spirit gets the maintenance it needs.

Be prepared

If you’re ready to pack you bags, or at least open to the idea, you’ll want to prepare yourself and those around you for your departure. Here are 10 ways you can get the most from your experience.

How to retreat

1. Schedule the time

Only you know what’s right for you, but I generally prefer that taking more than you think you need. Stretch. I used to retreat annually for a whole week. Now, I go every other month for 3 days.

If that much time sounds insane to you, ask yourself: “How much time do I need to feel truly nourished?” And listen — trust what comes up for you.

Then set it aside, marking the dates in your calendar.

2. Establish your boundaries

Any time you do something to nourish yourself, creating a safe container allows you to really immerse yourself in the experience.

Before you go on retreat, consider some of the following questions:

• Do I want to go alone?
• Do I want to be reachable? By whom? Under what circumstances? How often?
• Do I want internet access? A cell phone?
• How far away do I want to go?
• What kind of environment would support me? What would distract me?
• What other boundaries do I need to feel supported and present?

3. Inform your close circle

Once you’ve established your boundaries, communicate them to the loved ones who will be affected. Ask them for their support and tell them why you are taking this step. I call this “frontloading” (full article about this), which can be very useful.

For example, Inspired Spouse and I have an agreement that when I’m on retreat, I’m likely to call once each day after dinner for about 15 minutes. However, if I’m not in the mood, I won’t. Since we made this agreement in advance, it works out fine. In fact, those evening conversations have been among the sweetest in our 5 years together.

Although it may not happen, anticipate some resistance from your loves ones — especially if you’re new to setting boundaries with them. If they are accustomed to having you as their go-to person, they may not be entirely comfortable with you being unavailable to them. Ask if your loved ones need anything from you while you’re retreating. Be clear about your needs and negotiate an agreement that will work for all. It can be a challenging dance if this is something new for you, but honoring your own boundaries while respecting others’ is worth the effort.

4. Set an intention

Once boundary details have been worked out, spend some time talking or journaling about what you’d like to get out of your retreat. I don’t suggest writing a to-do list (since you probably have plenty of to-dos in your normal life). Instead, think about what you’d like the retreat to feel like. What kind of experience do you want to have, in general?

For example, your intention might be to relax and find some peace. You might want to practice being present and giving self-compassion. Perhaps you’d like to express yourself creatively through writing, or song, or drawing. You could spend days just asking yourself, “What would nourish my spirit?” and really listening to the information you receive.

Spend time thinking about what you’d like out of the time. Doing this increases your chances of getting what you need.

5. Choose your destination

Once you’ve set your intention, find a setting that will support it. How important is solitude? Prepared meals? Walking trails? Nature? Community? Over time, I’ve discovered that I like having a room to myself (with a bathroom) and the option of solitude. Being near water is one of my favorite things, so I find places that offer this.

Because I write about retreats a lot, people often ask me, “Where do you go?”. I confess I have some favorites (none of the following are affiliate links). Among them are Breitenbush Hot Springs, Mt. Angel Abbey, St. Benedict’s Lodge, Silver Falls Conference Center and any number of vacation rentals. I’ve also always wanted to go to Menucha and Hidden Lake, too.

If you’re not close to Oregon, just Google “retreat center” and your state or country — you’re bound to come up with some options. Maybe you have a friend with a beach or mountain getaway you could rent. Some people like to check in to a B&B or hotel.

What’s right for you? Only you can decide.

6. Travel lightly

When faced with gobs of free time, it’s common to over-plan how you’ll use it. You might feel tempted to load up a suitcase with projects, activities, even neglected work to fill your time.

Consider bringing less than you think you’ll need. A lot less. Physically carrying less with you is a conscious act of simplicity and a reminder that you already have all you need: head, heart, body and spirit. Seize the opportunity to discover what you would do if there was nothing to do.

If you can, make the traveling to your destination part of the retreat. Take your time driving through your own town like a tourist, noticing the people and smells and architecture. Enjoy the scenery. Stop at a roadside stand. On the way to one of my favorite retreat centers, I love to stop at a restaurant to order mouthwatering apple strudel. Savoring this dessert is a retreat all by itself!

7. Tolerate silence

Lots of people ask me, “What do you DO on retreat?”. Honestly, sometimes I do nothing but stare at the sky. On retreat, you can read, meditate, journal, create, walk, pray, and do anything that helps you slow down and feel nourished.

One of the things I have been working on is tolerating silence. When I’m silent, I can hear the voices I often ignore — the shoulds, ought tos, and shouldn’ts. The silence I give myself allows me to question these voices instead of letting them run my life. It’s a very powerful practice to slow down enough to notice and work through these thoughts.

If you’re not a quiet type, there’s no requirement to be completely silent. The idea is to try something different. Give it some thought.

8. Make space for feelings

Taking time out puts you in touch with your feelings. At least it can. I sometimes feel moved just looking at the trees in fall, or a humming bird feeding, or a sumptuous retreat meal. In her book, An Altar in the World (excerpted here), Barbara Brown Taylor says, “…If you slow down for a day, then all kinds of alarming things can happen. You can start crying without having the slightest idea why.”

We spend so much energy putting off feelings in our daily lives that they can catch us by surprise. A wise friend once told me that any feeling, fully felt, dissipates. On retreat, you have the opportunity to feel deeply without interruption, allowing old pain to dissolve and more space to open in your heart.

I used to think that feeling emotional meant I was doing my retreat wrong — that I should just feel blissed out all the time. If you find yourself feeling moved, don’t let it frighten you. Welcome the feelings. Allow yourself to be present with them and discover what they have to tell you.

9. Listen to the small, still voice

Whether you’re gone for a day or a week, a moment may arrive when you’re not sure what to do next. In our normal lives, we’re used to rushing on to the next thing. On retreat, this moment of uncertainty gives you the opportunity to ask yourself a simple and life-changing question: “What do I need right now?”

When you ask this, pause. Stop and listen for a small, clear response. Some people hear a voice, others sense a feeling in their body. You might get an image, or a sound, or nothing at all. It might take some practice, this listening. When we rush, our spirit closes down — retreats open it back up again.

Listen for what this small, still voice has to share – and then find a way to act on it. I’ve spent entire retreats focusing on this one question, asking it of myself dozens of times in one day. “What do I need right now?” Then listening deeply. Then acting on what I perceive. Not only does this practice help my office organizing techniques, it’s a first class ticket to a more fulfilling life.

What do you need right now?

10. Integrate retreat insights into your life

When you return to your life, it might be hard to remember what you discovered about yourself. Take notes – leave breadcrumbs so you can find your way back to this simpler life. On the night before you leave your retreat, take some time to reflect on (and even record) some of the insights you gained during your retreat.

What would you like to take back with you? Maybe you ate home-made meals on retreat and you’d like to continue that practice at home. Maybe you slept for a full 8 hours each night. On one retreat, I discovered a simpler way to keep track of my work projects that I jotted down and implemented as soon as I got home. If you reflect, you can almost always find a seed of truth that you want to take home with you.

Take your time settling back in, even giving yourself a few days home with no commitments to ease back in. This allows even further integration of the pace of retreats and helps you slow your real life down to a healthier pace.

Is it time?

I know this is a long article. If you made it this far, perhaps a retreat is calling to you? What would it take for you to take the leap?

12 comments

Just a minute ago, I went looking for a document that I know is in a file. I even know where the file is. This is awesome and an accomplishment. Yay!

However, if you were hanging out in the office with me and watched me “go looking”, nothing was actually happening. I was just staring out the window. In my mind there was lots going on.

Here’s where I went:

• I need that document.
• Where is it? (thinking) Ah, it’s in that file.
• (getting a mental picture) Oh, but it’s messy in there.
• Scary! Don’t make me go!
• Where’s the chocolate?

Between the remembering of the file’s location and its contents, I felt dread. I don’t want to deal with the messiness. It’s confusing. It’s frustrating! I haven’t touched it in at least 6 months, so I don’t know what else is in there. I don’t want to get all tangled in it! That’s so stressful to me.

Wisdom of emotions

When we react emotionally to our stuff, it means that it’s running us, not the other way around. That dread and even fear can be paralyzing. It can prevent you from doing all the cool things you want to do with your finite, precious days on the planet.

When you have big resistance to your stuff, take a moment to pause and see what’s going on. Pause to see what you need.

Putting the I back in “control”

Okay, so there’s not really an “i” in the word “control”, but you get my drift. It’s time to make that stuff yours again. Re-establish your sovereignty in your space.

Some of the things you can do to accomplish a peace treaty with a scary file (or drawer or closet) include:

• Shining a light – literally and metaphorically. Take everything out and take a good look around.
• Making friends – Some of the stuff inside you may want to keep. Have a happy reunion!
• Letting go - The fact that it was fear-inducing means that some purging is in order. Remove what you don’t need or love.

I’m going back into that file right now to pull out what I need, and I’m making a date to sort through the rest. I’m ready to remove whatever’s lurking! Whew!

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If you happen to subscribe to my email newsletter, Juicy Gems, you got an email today from me with the subject line, “4″. No content, just the subject line.

It was an accident, and I hope it didn’t bother you. I thought about sending out a follow-up message, explaining my error, but I didn’t want to further gum up your inbox. As it was, I sent out 1,100 of the same email to everyone who subscribes.

(laughing at myself)

A bunch of people emailed me back with comments like,

“5??”

“Need a day off?”

“Working on your golf swing?”

“That’s it?? Just 4??”

“Good numerology, Jen!”

“I thought maybe we were playing Secret Agent and that was a code of some sort, and the correct response was something like, ‘The falcon soars beyond the golden wheat field at dawn.’”

In reality, “4″ just stands for the 4th message in a series that I was working on, but I accidentally hit send. Woops!

So the lesson of the 4 is that we’re all human, we all make mistakes, and it’s okay to laugh at our humanness. : )

Have you made any humorous errors lately that you’d like to share?

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As I write this, there are more unanswered emails in my “inbox” than I care to admit.

This has been a week in which my best intentions were thwarted, and I received feedback from a couple of trustworthy sources that I wasn’t “on my game.” Email was part of it, but I also gave out the wrong time for a class, failed to prepare properly for a meeting, and spent too much time working on stuff that wasn’t all that important.

Stressful? You bet.

My high standards are where the problem started. When I made my first flub of the week, the little Gremlin of Self-Judgment perched on my shoulder and whispered some not-very-nice things about me.

When I made my second flub, the whisper became a stern repartee.

It only got worse from there. I mean, seriously! I was counting my errors! By the end of the week, I was buried in self-judgment, exhausted, and feeling rather insecure about my competence as a business owner.

Thank God I’m normal.

If people I admire didn’t tell me they have weeks just like this, I would be really scared. But I know it’s normal.

If anything, making a few gaffes this week illustrates how far I’ve come as a cluttered creative person. I used to forget things daily. I was constantly late, making excuses and tearfully begging forgiveness. My teachers never knew how to grade me at the end of a semester because (although I participated enthusiastically in class) I’d never turned in any homework.

I have come a long way.

What trips me up

When I start forgetting things, I use it against myself. As evidence.

That nasty gremlin is out to prove that I’ll always be that disorganized girl. It says, “You think you’re so organized, we’ll just see, shall we?!”

And then I make another mistake. “See?? Ha! Ha! You ARE the same person you’ve always been! You’ll never be organized!” And then I make even more mistakes.

Ugh.

Ever been there? It totally sucks.

What I do (and maybe you might like to try too)

The other day, I had a nice talk with my wonderful, sensitive uncle and friend — who also happens to facilitate non-violent communication (NVC) groups. Uncle Tim caught me off guard when he used a term I’d never heard before, “self-empathy”. When he said it, little bells rang gleefully inside my heart.

Self-empathy!

I don’t know how the official NVC technique works, but yesterday when I “caught” myself making a mistake and entertaining that nasty gremlin, I took a deep breath — and this is what I said to myself:

“Jen, you are having a hard week. You’re feeling badly about not showing up the way you want to with people you really love. You’re feeling really embarrassed for missing connections and for giving incorrect information. It’s okay to feel sad and embarrassed and disappointed.

“You’re human. It’s okay to make mistakes and not to be perfect. You are doing the best you can right now. I want to remind you that your heart is in the right place. Forgive yourself for making these ‘errors’. Don’t let your past determine your future, okay? You can start fresh, right now. You are a good human being and I love you.”

I wiped away a few tears, took a deep breath… and sat for a while with a nice cup of tea. It was such a different way of talking with myself, and I could feel peace settling into my heart, where doubt and anxiety had been.

Compassion is a powerful tool for creating order

What I am slowly discovering is that the more compassionate I am with myself, the more productive I am. It sounds anti-intuitive, but judgment makes my spirit shrivel up and escalates stress. When I am compassionate with myself, I feel free. I have choices and see opportunities to adjust my actions creatively.

Of course, this is about organizing, but it’s also more than that. The truth is, no amount of order creates happiness. Only you can create happiness. So, while you’re on the path to becoming more organized and less cluttered, why not offer yourself the compassion and self-empathy you crave — and so rightly deserve?

Thoughts? Yeah, buts? Me toos?

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It’s a cruel title, I know. I’m sorry.

Tax day is a mere month away.

If you’re the kind of person who puts off onerous tasks, you might be feeling a little overwhelmed right now. Okay, maybe a lot. I know I have.

This is an encouraging space. You can speak your truth.

So, how’s it going?

I’m curious. With a month remaining…

1. What’s going well? What do you already have figured out and feel confident on?

2. What’s in the way? Maybe it’s just getting the time, or something more insidious like overwhelm or beliefs about your abilities.

3. What’s next? I don’t mean “just finish my taxes”. I mean, what are 2 or 3 incremental baby steps you plan to take next to get your taxes closer to completion?

Feel like checking in?

I’d love to hear from you and how it’s going!

Warmly,
Jen

Care to comment?

How thinking gets you into trouble – and gets you out of it, too.

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Sometimes it’s not the clutter.

Sometimes it’s what we think that causes the most trouble.

Imagine sitting down at your computer to check your email and, when you open the inbox, the number total unopened emails is in the 4-digits.

You look at that number glowing on your screen and quietly think to yourelf,

“I’m so behind. I’m never going to catch up.”

That little comment to yourself is so quiet that you hardly even notice it. Even if you do, it’s so quick, it barely registers before you’re on to the next thing.

Looking deeper

The effect that thought has on you is immense. Deep in your brain, that thought triggers a response to a threat. Your body begins to prepare for battle or flight – skin begins to sweat, heart rate increases, adrenaline is released to give you the power to run.

Most of the time, you have no idea it’s even happening. Your brain is on auto-pilot.

The problem is that you can’t put this response to good use. You can’t punch your inbox’s lights out. And, faced with 1000 emails, you probably won’t take flight and run screaming down the hall. All the body triggers are out of alignment with the actual stimulus.

Overload

Worst of all, if you’re like a lot of stressed-out, busy people, you’re constantly thinking these kinds of thoughts:

I’m so behind.
I should have this done by now.
I promised I’d have this back to her.
My client is showing up any minute.
I’m never going to get caught up.
I’ll never break through.
I forgot that AGAIN!?
I should be doing way more than I am.

Say these kinds of things to yourself enough times and you’ll feel like you’re always running and always fighting for some peace.

Case in point

If you’ve ever had the illusion that Jen Hofmann has it all figured out, think again. A couple of months ago I started having heart fluttering and chest pain – accompanied by pretty awful digestive problems. I had no idea what was going on and I was really scared.

Interestingly, right before the symptoms started, I had been thinking about how January was (in my mind) “a wash” and I kept telling myself, “I wasted a whole month. I should have been doing more to grow my business.”

I was talking myself into a mental frenzy – for what? January was fine.

When the symptoms started, I failed to see what a compassionate physician did: I was stressed to the point of anxiety. All because of my thoughts.

Stress isn’t a baseline state

When it comes to surviving en encounter with an angry mastodon, stress is a lifesaver. But when your opponent is your inbox or your kitchen counter or the vacuum cleaner, that level of stress is out of alignment. We all do it, but it really does us harm. Ask any cardiac expert.

Thoughts are an inside job

Lots of people jump to the conclusion that if the inbox is causing you stress, the solution is to clean it out. I say, woah there. Not so fast.

Instead, I invite you on a journey of far greater subtlety:

1. Practice noticing your thoughts.

Like a lot of people, if you can’t see something, it doesn’t exist. Inspired Spouse suggested yesterday that I start keeping a list of the thoughts that come up for me. What a fabulous idea. I’m keeping a running list for the next week, just to see what’s there.

Neutrally observing your beliefs is freeing in a way that a desperately clean desk isn’t.

2. See your thoughts as visitors, not guests.

Instead of opening the door and willy-nilly letting in any thought, ask yourself if you want what they’re selling.

Just because a Girl Scout rings the bell, doesn’t mean she can move into the guest room. Just because you think you’re behind, doesn’t mean that belief needs to move in and run your life.

When you start seeing your thoughts as visitors, you’re actively loosening the hold they have on your spirit – not to mention your autonomic nervous system. You get to decide what stays and what goes – which is empowering.

3. Gently start sending your thoughts away.

In other words, when you notice a thought, don’t cause more damage by telling yourself, “Dummy! Why are you thinking that again?”

Be gentle.

Notice if there are thoughts you want to release because they’re not really true. If you’re feeling behind, behind compared to what? What if it were okay to be exactly where you are right now, even if it’s not where you wanted to be?

The key is to begin to cultivate gentleness toward yourself.

The thoughts inside your head are sometimes harsh and cruel – and you can’t thrive in an environment like that. When you put your spirit in front of the line, the thoughts may still come up but they won’t run your life. It might be a long journey to get to that place, but just think of the possibilities.

Thoughts? Yeah, buts? Me toos?

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The “What do YOU do?” series invites you to share your organizing insights and ideas and gives you a glimpse into my life as a messy, creative person. Jump in – you’re an expert on your own experience.

Knowing I have a lot of un-replied-to emails in my inbox stresses me out. The story in my head is something like, “I should reply to people as soon as they email me.” But that is a very stressful (and unrealistic) expectation.

Replying to email promptly and sanely.

What is currently working well for me:

I have structures. Twice a day, 3 days a week, I’ve scheduled 30 minutes with my inbox. It’s written on my Google calendar and I get a little pop-up “ding dong!” 10 minutes before hand. That’s 3ish hours a week devoted to checking and answering email.

I have systems. When folks purchase The Wish Kit or sign up for my newsletter, I use a special auto-responder that sends them a confirmation email. I don’t have to be at my desk for them to receive what they ordered. It’s sweet. It’s fast.

The other system I recently implemented is setting up 1-on-1 appointments using timedriver.com (hat tip: Marissa Bracke). This has saved me countless back-and-forth emails trying to find a convenient meeting time across time zones. Whew!

What I’m currently working on:

I want to reply faster. Confession time. At the moment, I have emails awaiting responses that are over 3 weeks old. And one from Charlie Gilkey that’s from August. Please, please don’t compare yourself against this – what I’m getting at is the anxiety I feel from having a high volume of email and not replying as quickly as I’d like. Yuck.

It all goes back to the days when I was in school and trying to hide the fact that I’d forgotten to do my homework for the Nth time. Oh, the shame… Email makes me feel this way sometimes.

Differentiating between IHO emails and personal emails. All my emails come to one box. I don’t fritter a lot of time away on personal emails during work time, but I do forget to answer them entirely once the computer is shut off for the weekend.

3 hours a week isn’t enough. It’s hard, but it’s true. I think the remedy is in the next section.

Differentiating between informational email and work email. By this I mean that some emails are ones I can read and file easily. Done. Other emails are requests for work, for time, for attention. I cannot read and file these, because they’re incomplete. I’m still learning how to say no to some requests for my time and how to follow-through effectively on others.

How do YOU return email promptly?

Please share what works for you -  and what you’re still learning!

Your comments on your own process are welcome. House rules: Give advice to me or others only when it’s specifically requested. This makes exploring safe and learning possible for every reader.

4 comments

A soulful, backwards way to create change in your work and life

With a title like this, you must think that I’ve finally gone off the deep end.

I’m in my right mind. Honest.

If you’ve been reading very long, you already know that I am a self-professed messy, creative person. The ideas I share and the concepts I teach come directly from my personal journey with creating order in my business and my life.

Well, I want to share with you a secret that I discovered along this sometimes chaotic path to soulful, inspired organization.

I stepped on the scale last week – and surprised myself!

Even though my approach works for my clients every day, sometimes I still surprise myself. For example, last week I was shocked to find that, without doing much, I’d easily lost 10 pounds. Off my body.

After resisting diets and exercise for years, this was nothing short of miraculous.

And. On top of this, I realized that my life, in and outside of work, is more balanced that ever before. My desk stays clean. I’m having more fun. I’m enjoying my life more.

I’m no Goody Two Shoes.

It wasn’t always this way. Just ask my family. I was scattered, sloppy, over-committed, and prone to bouts of exhaustion and drama after overextending myself for too long.

So, like the weight loss, the balance I feel in my work and the enjoyment I feel in my life are nothing short of miraculous.

And I haven’t worked all that hard at it.

Here’s how I got from there to here (and so can you)

I started accepting myself exactly as I am right now.

(Before your roll your eyes and click away, bear with me.)

Here’s what I mean:

I took a good long look at my life and discovered that guilt and self-judgment weren’t all that effective at making the changes I wanted in my life. Yelling at myself for my clutter didn’t improve anything, it just made me feel really badly. Berating myself for forgetting a commitment didn’t get me to change. I just felt horrible instead.

Maybe you can relate to wanting something to change (your office, for example). To be different – and yet not be able to make it happen.

In my heart, I honestly wanted to have less clutter, more clarity, more free time. One day, it dawned on me that harsh self-judgment just wasn’t that effective at creating the results I wanted.

So I started experimenting with a totally different strategy: acceptance.

The golden key

In the words of educator, Carl Rogers, “People only seriously consider change when they feel accepted for exactly who they are.” Acceptance is the key. Acceptance has the power to transform.

The acceptance, in this case, was coming from within.

It was halting at first, make no mistake. But over time, I began to accept myself and my choices as neutral and things started to shift.

Here’s why acceptance is the golden key: If you’re trying to grow a business, you need business skills. More importantly, it’s you who’s running the business, so you also need self skills. Acceptance is arguably the most important.

The litmus test

If you’re not sure if you’re being judgmental or accepting, imagine saying or doing to someone else (an employee, for example) what you’re saying or doing to yourself.

Berating yourself for another missed appointment or overdue bill? Insisting that you work 10 days in a row without any free time to dream? Harshly critiquing your work as inferior or substandard?

Can you imagine doing or saying these things to another living soul? If not, this is your litmus test. You could use some acceptance.

Judgment says: “You slob. Why can’t you ever keep anything organized?”
Acceptance says: “Hmm. I can’t see the surface of my desk.” (neutral)

Judgment says: “I’m so fat and ugly. I don’t deserve clothes that feel good.”
Acceptance says: “I weigh 188 pounds.” (neutral)

Judgment says: “Taking time for myself is unimportant and selfish.”
Acceptance says: “I’m not sure what I’d do with some me-time.” (neutral)

Is there room for more acceptance in your life?

Acceptance is a decision you make again and again.

And again. The amazing thing is that when you accept yourself and free your spirit from self-judgment, your stuckest, most unappealing behaviors and traits will start to shift. Without having to work so hard.

My clean office, 10 pounds lost, and happy heart are proof.

Things to try

1. Notice your self talk and whether there is room for more kindness in it.

2. Practice saying things that are neutral, rather than judgmental. Even if it feels awkward. This will take practice.

3. Celebrate small successes. With this technique, change comes in bite-sized pieces. Practice noticing them and congratulating yourself when they happen.

5 comments

Getting out of Debt is a series about a topic many feel too embarrassed to discuss with even their closest loved ones. My hope? To share this journey with you so we can all live more freely and abundantly.

How I got into debt in the first place

I’ve just typed this title and now I’m staring at it. Thinking hard.

How did I get here, anyway?

In all likelihood, I got here by spending a little here and a little there. A few extravagant dinners a year didn’t seem like much. A vacation there – well, I deserved a break. I quit my job and started a business. Twice. My car needed repair. I bought groceries, heating oil and gasoline.

I didn’t wake up one day and say, “You know, I feel like spending 30,702 bucks! Charge!”

Debt arrived in dribs and drabs.

In truth, I feel a lot of shame about this debt. When I feel ashamed, I want to make excuses to explain my behavior. But explaining also leaves me feeling like a victim of my own choices. Which is crazy because I made them. I signed the receipts. I just didn’t realize how many.

So out of this mental pickle came a realization: I’ve spent unconsciously.

Two things I’m doing about debt

Back in elementary school gym class, we had these colorful, sturdy cups with a looped string attached. You’d stand precariously on top, a cup under each foot,  and hold the string while attempting to clomp forward. Remember those?

Getting out of debt, for me, has felt like walking on those cups. I’ve been taking one awkward, clompy step at a time.

Step one is compassion and forgiveness.

I have such a hard time with this. I mean, I know it’s good for me to be kind and compassionate with myself. I talk about this all the time. But it’s hard.

If I’m so not happy about the debt, it makes some sick kind of sense that I should be mean and judgmental with myself about it. That somehow this would help. But it doesn’t. I can learn from my choices without being hurtful to my spirit.

So, whenever I pay a bill, I take a deep breath and say, “You made a choice. You have a plan.” And I breathe some kindness toward myself. Clomp clomp.

Step two is honesty.

Mind you, I’m no financial expert. And I don’t play one on television. So my process for getting honest with myself comes from my own research and a stalwart desire to get the heck out of debt – not a degree in finance.

I started with a debt summary. That’s a fancy way of saying: “I wrote down all my loans and all my credit card balances.” Last month, I added them all up and got $30,702.

(Can you feel yourself reacting to that number?)

Maybe you’ve got more debt than that. Maybe less. But discovering the actual number was powerful for me. I was being honest with myself.

It was a clompy, awkward step. And stressful – so I gave myself some compassion.

And even though I’m wobbly, I’m finding my balance

As I’ve been alternating between compassion and honesty over the last 6 months, I’ve managed to shave off about $1500 from the total debt. And – WOO! – that feels good.

Feeling some control over the situation finally came from cultivating a few effective, soul-nourishing systems.

Granted, the total still feels to staggering to me, but like I tell my clients, “When you change any part of a system, the whole structure changes.” Even the tiniest action begins a snowball of progress that grows larger over time.

Holding the space

I’m taking other steps that I’ll reveal in other posts, but I want to stop here in case you want some room to digest this topic. We like to take small steps around here. Or try.

My plan is to check back in next month and let you know how it’s coming along, celebrate my successes, and share the journey. Would you like to, too?

I welcome your comments on your own financial or debt situation. I also request kindly, firmly, that you not give advice to me or others unless it’s specifically requested. This makes exploring safe and learning possible for every reader.

So. Debt. Small business. Honesty and compassion. What thoughts and ideas come up for you as you read this post?

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Making friends with the whims of concentration

Please enjoy this sample narration from my brain last week while I was attempting to work on an Important Thing:

Argh! The cat’s licking is driving me crazy!! I wonder what’s on Twitter? (opens Twitter and reads a few entries)

I need to do that THING! Argh! Quit farting around! (closes Twitter) Okay, now work. (attempts to start the THING)

I wonder why those bees are hanging around outside my window… (ponders) What’s in my email inbox? (checks) Wait – what was I doing – oh! The THING!

Argh!

Two hours later, the THING was not done.

When I was a kid, it was the same scenario except I was supposed to be cleaning my room. I’d get distracted by some fascinating thing (shell collection, old books, etc.) in the attempt and my mom would speak from another room, “I don’t hear any cleaning going on in there.”

It used to drive my mom batty. Now it drives ME batty. If I had an employer, I’d have someone to keep me on task (maybe). But, like many, I am self-employed and sometimes get hopelessly off-track and can’t get back on.

Traction or distraction?

If I had traction, I would be moving forward with the THING. But in the scenario above, I was completely distracted and unable to focus.

If you have ADD or just think you do, maybe you can relate. We all have days like this. In fact, one of my favorite authors, Ned Hallowell, theorizes that even those without ADD may have the same behaviors when trying to juggle too many things.

If you get distracted like this periodically, it’s pretty normal. But, since it’s hardly a desirable place to be in very long, you might be wondering what to do about it?

Moving toward traction

Bouts of distraction happen. That’s just how it is.

Everyone has different symptoms when they’re feeling distracted, but the outcome is usually the same: you’re busy, but your work’s not purposeful.

Since I really believe it’s your office’s job to support you, sometimes making small adjustments to your space can help you feel less distracted so you can focus better.

Notice

Small adjustments come from the little things you notice around you. Be curious for a moment about what’s distracting you. On the crazy day I described above the sun’s glare was bothering me. I noticed the cat’s repetitious grooming. I looked around me and saw multiple open project folders were vying for my attention.

All of the things you notice are great information.

Adjust accordingly

Once you realize what’s pulling you off-track, take a couple of minutes to manage your experience. Remove the attention-grabbers. Your sanity is worth it.

For myself, I closed the blinds to keep the glare out of my eyes, I moved the cat off my lap, I put a project away that was messing up my desk, and closed the other blinds because the sun moved (well, technically, the earth moved).

Anyway, managing my experience helped me concentrate enough to start the THING.

Except when that doesn’t work

I tried to start the THING and got distracted. Again.

And then I humbly realized: I can’t bend focus to my will. Concentration can only be managed. Even in the clearest, most refreshing spaces sometimes people still can’t concentrate.

When focus is an Inside Job

When adjusting your external space doesn’t work, it’s time to look inside yourself and find out what is really happening. It’s what I call an Inside Job.

If your brain is zipping along at breakneck speed – while you’re compulsively checking email, Facebook, Twitter, and photos of your dogs all at the same time – it’s a symptom.

Sometimes you need a break. Or a glass of water. Or a 2-week vacation. No matter which way you slice it, your brain needs to be allowed to run free.

A desk can drag you down

Once upon a time, people moved around. They walked places, moved their bodies for work, rode animals, collected their own food. Frankly, it wasn’t that long ago.

Today, I know a lot of people who, for work, sit at desks for a large portion of the day. Me, for one. Now, that’s not such a bad thing. If not for the internet, Inspired Home Office wouldn’t exist.

But for many people that natural, vital movement is gone.

What to do about it

That compulsive internet checking is an attempt to meet the need for movement, except that it doesn’t work very well.

If you beat yourself up because you can’t concentrate, take a fresh look at what’s happening.

Robert Fritz, another of my very favorite authors, believes that taking breaks is vital to creativity. Who hasn’t gotten a good idea in the shower? Or out walking?

If you’re not productive and feeling antsy, move. That’s right. Get on up and get away from your desk. Do something you like. You’ll be surprised what good it’ll do you – and how much better you’ll concentrate when you get back.

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