Have you ever had one of those projects?

You know, one of those “I just have to push through this” kind of projects? Maybe it’s your quarterly taxes, or a holiday is coming and you just have to get the dining room table cleared, or your newsletter is way overdue. Maybe it’s that overwhelming stack of books I wrote about in the last newsletter. Something has reached the breaking point.

If you felt motivated about this project, that would be great. You could use that momentum to fuel yourself. But, unfortunately, the project I’m talking about is something you’ve been dreading. Something that’s tedious and loathsome. This project will take a lot of effort and you don’t feel like doing it. Can you feel it? Got something in mind?

The usual strategy is to push

I’m not a mom, but I know enough people who’ve given birth to know that there’s only one time in that whole process that it’s helpful to push — and that’s at the end. If pushing starts too soon it doesn’t just complicate matters, it also wastes precious energy needed later. That baby won’t join the world until it’s good and ready.

With a loathed project, a lot of people start pushing at the very beginning. Sometimes this works initially, but it leaves you exhausted long before you reach the finish line. In fact, one of my intrepid researching clients found a study that shows that exerting willpower actually lowers your blood sugar. So, pushing isn’t just emotionally and mentally draining, it affects your metabolism too.

Take tax prep, for example

As I write this, I’m vaguely aware that the quarterly tax for self-employed folks is due this week. I’ve been spending a lot of energy avoiding thinking about it and telling myself that I’ll get to it. Interestingly, I’m using up energy just to push away the project. When the time comes to do it, it would be a prime opportunity for me to push through and do a lot of inner damage.

In the past, I would have stayed up late, gotten overwhelmed, and berated myself for waiting so long. I would have pushed through with insufficient sleep, tearful outbursts, and days of recovery time. Now I have more effective strategies (which I’ll share with you in a moment), but this is one example of how pushing doesn’t really work.

Mean self-talk makes everything worse

The biggest problem with pushing is that when your energy for a project starts to flag and you become fatigued, you switch gears into a kind of self-loathing, “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” talk. It’s an insidious inner dialog that includes nasty jabs at your own value. A few of mine include “What the hell is wrong with you?” and “You idiot! Why did you wait so long?” (and those are on a nice day). I suppose some people’s inner dialog is directed at the complexity of IRS forms and the agency in general, but my mean-talk is usually directed at me. You too?

Here’s the thing: the mean self-talk is intended to motivate us. No matter how miserable we feel about these inner exclamations, they’re misguided attempts to prod us into action when we’re tired. But now, instead of having a loathsome, tedious, dreaded project — you also feel like crap. Yuck.

Been there?

Alternatives to pushing through

Make space:

Back to the baby analogy for a moment – what’s the one thing everyone learns to do in preparation for birth? Breathing. When it comes to projects, you can do literal breathing to get calm. You can also give yourself breathing room by taking a short break, physically leaving the space you’re in, getting outside, taking a shower. You can do any number of things that will help you get out of the spin and feeling more grounded again.

Talk nicely:

How would you talk to your best friend if she were in the same spot as you, struggling with a project? Being the kind of person you are, you’d offer support and solace and commiseration. Chances are pretty good that you’d offer encouragement.

What would it be like to do that for yourself? One thing you can try is pausing to notice the steps you’ve already taken. Say them out loud or in your head. Say encouraging things. Try being your own best friend and supporting yourself when the chips are down.

Explore small steps forward:

One of the things that makes big projects harder is their complexity. So it can help to take a moment and jot down the next 3-6 steps in your project. Baby steps. For my taxes example, I first need to get a summary of the last 3 months’ earnings. Secondly, I can then divide that number by 33%. Thirdly, I can get out the checkbook and an envelope. When I write out these steps, I start feeling calmer. My brain engages. It begins to seem possible that I can complete this by Thursday.

Ask for help:

When you’re struggling and isolated, this sometimes compounds the difficulty of doing something big. It helps to share your struggles with someone you trust to be supportive. To participate in a class that focuses on your project, like decluttering your office. To find a buddy who struggles with the same project and work encouragingly side-by-side. Just because you got here alone doesn’t mean it has to stay that way.

In short, you’re worth it!

Applying these alternatives takes time, but it’s worth it because they can decrease the amount of stress you feel when working on a big project. Over time, you feel less dread and more confidence in doing things that seem hard. Best of all, bringing kindness to challenging projects leaves you with extra energy to spend on yourself, fun activities, and with those you love!

Feel free to share your experiences with hard projects!

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Diving fully into the contemplative energy of winter, I recently discovered the writing and website of Brother Davin Steindl-Rast. I happened upon a video he narrated and felt so inspired, I just had to share it with you.

If you love looking at inspiring images and hearing words that soothe the spirit, take a break from your work and allow this short video to fill up your heart.

With love,
Jennifer

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I’m a corner-cutter.

Always have been. I’ve been cutting corners since the pink-dawned day in my childhood when I realized that the world wouldn’t ever value my imagination as much as productivity. Yet in my heart, there’s still a fanciful, wacky, tulle-skirted ballerina who need to be fed. Here’s my story of why cutting corners helps.

Corner-cutting is what I call the skill I’ve developed to do just enough to get by, but not poorly enough to arouse any suspicion. Sometimes it works, sometimes it fails miserably, painfully and publically. I sometimes wonder how much better things would be if I went whole hog and did everything at 100%. Could I pull it off? If you have ADD or know someone who does, you know that painful refrain, “If you would just apply yourself…” The very idea of going at 100% all the time sounds exhausting, but that doesn’t stop lots of people who try.

What corner-cutting looks like

In my early years, corner-cutting was something I did to get through uncomfortable, boring situations. At school, I’d wow my teachers with my vocabulary and my sense of humor, hoping that they’d care less about the homework I’d forgotten to complete (which worked with varying degrees of success). At home, I’d get my bedroom clean enough to pass the Mom Test, concealing lumps of clothing and detritus in drawers and under stuffed animals. A a child, the only thing I did at 100% was play.

As an adult, I’ve learned to cut corners on everything from timely bill paying, to meal preparation, to paid presentations. The older I’ve become, the more skilled I am at doing just enough to get by. I take out the garbage at the last minute before the truck rolls through. I only vacuum when company is coming (or when it’s annoying me).  I market my business when I have something to sell, and less frequently when I don’t. Admitting to this rouses all kinds of shame in me. It’s similar to the shame my clients feel when they work up the courage to show me photos of their home offices. 

The reason we do it

With so much on our plates, something has to give. The thing I choose to give away, to release is perfection. For most of us, there’s no enjoyment in that release, just shame swaddled in guilt to be hidden away. We forget that we’re surrounded by messages that perfection (perfect floors, home, kids, fashion) is the only viable option. So, choosing to abandon of the Perfection Dream isn’t something we’re encouraged to go public with.

Living in a culture where everything is buffed to a polished patina, where is there room for human-ness? Where is there permission to just be?

Another way of looking at it

When I step off the Perfection Train, when I admit that there is more in life than I will ever do — and so little of it done perfectly – corner cutting becomes a kind of renegade act of resistance. Choosing to let myself off the proverbial hook, to cut corners, is a radical act of self-kindness. When you lower your standards to healthy levels, it’s amazing what you can do — and do well. You are free from the oppressiveness of perfection, to act from enthusiasm instead of guilt and dread.

What’s more, going public with your humanness is a statement to others they can do the same, that it’s safe to be good enough. Can you imagine a world in which every member believed they were wonderful the way they are? You might resist this idea, fearing a lack of excellence or effort. But truly, when a person is celebrated as they are, that is the moment when transformation and innovation become possible.

What does this have to do with office organizing?

I know – sometimes I get really big picture on you, but there is a connection.

If you’re ashamed of how your space looks today… or you feel guilty that you’re not keeping up your business the way you think you should, this dumps a daily dose of feelings that thwart your efforts. Deciding for yourself what your standards are can make a world of difference in your workspace, work flow, profitability, and more. Think about it. When was the last time you didn’t feel stressed out? Wouldn’t you benefit from a release of pressure?

Cut some corners and find relief

Seriously, what is so great about a perfect 90* corner? I’m of the opinion that a rounded corner is more pleasing and easier to navigate. Cut some corners off the hard edges of life — here are three suggestions that can help you move forward:

1. Acknowledge that you’re human. Consider that being a human implies certain limits of energy, mental capacity, and productivity. There is only so much you can do in a day. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s just true.

2. Give yourself permission to do something well enough. The next time you encounter something hard, give some thought to whether you can make it easier on yourself. Let completion be your goal, rather than perfection. Celebrate the small steps.

3. Find out what it is that you do at 100% when no one is watching. When I was a kid, it was play. As an adult, it’s singing and teaching and (dare I admit this?)  creating art. Make time in your life to do more of that thing, even if (especially if) you do it imperfectly. The world needs your humanness and imperfection. Truly, “the woods would be very silent if the only birds who sang were the ones who sang best.” ~ Henry Van Dyke

Much love,

Jennifer

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The antidote to living a sped-up life

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Retreat.

Last month’s article about our sped-up culture generated some interesting responses (Why I can’t Drive 55) on the blog. Many people feel overwhelmed and don’t know how to get off the no-so-merry-go-ground.

In recent years, I’ve become a huge advocate of an effective antidote to stressed-out living: retreats. Putting life on hold for a specific number of days, essentially pressing ‘pause’, is incredibly effective at helping people slow down and re-establish a healthy pace.

“Oh, no. I couldn’t possibly.”

If your first response to the idea of a retreat is resistance, you probably need it more than you think.

Your spirit gets depleted whenever your work needs you — or your kids, or parents, or whomever — to the point where you can’t ever leave. If this sounds like you, my heart goes out to you.

Most of the self-employed people I know are just a step from running on fumes. They try to solve this by adding things to their lives — new things like social events, possessions, foods, et cetera. But all this newness and novelty wears off pretty quickly, leaving us with more commitments and possessions to maintain.

Retreating is about allowing yourself to be nourished by simplicity.

Reasons not to…

As enticing at it may sound, we resist retreating for lots of reasons. Commitments — the kids, the business, the logistics, and the expense — are part if it. Look a little deeper and you’ll find other reasons:

• I’m afraid of upsetting or disappointing my family and friends.
• Whatever would I do with all that time?
• What if I discover something I want to change about my life?

When it comes down to it, one of the biggest reasons we resist retreating is fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of upsetting the status quo. These are absolutely valid feelings. If you feel this way, make some space for them to come up. Sit with them and see if you want to retreat despite the presence of fears.

Feel the fear and do it anyway.

Fear isn’t always red light; sometimes it’s a yield sign. Look both ways, and proceed.

13 years ago, when I took my fist solo retreat with guidance from Jen Louden’s The Woman’s Retreat Book, I was excited and also nervous. I took the leap and discovered things about myself I had never known. I felt renewed. Alive. It was worth the risk.

View a retreat as a tune-up for your heart. You can’t change the oil and spark plugs while you’re speeding down the road. The vehicle must leave the road temporarily in order to receive this restorative maintenance. Going on retreat takes you away from everyday life so that your spirit gets the maintenance it needs.

Be prepared

If you’re ready to pack you bags, or at least open to the idea, you’ll want to prepare yourself and those around you for your departure. Here are 10 ways you can get the most from your experience.

How to retreat

1. Schedule the time

Only you know what’s right for you, but I generally prefer that taking more than you think you need. Stretch. I used to retreat annually for a whole week. Now, I go every other month for 3 days.

If that much time sounds insane to you, ask yourself: “How much time do I need to feel truly nourished?” And listen — trust what comes up for you.

Then set it aside, marking the dates in your calendar.

2. Establish your boundaries

Any time you do something to nourish yourself, creating a safe container allows you to really immerse yourself in the experience.

Before you go on retreat, consider some of the following questions:

• Do I want to go alone?
• Do I want to be reachable? By whom? Under what circumstances? How often?
• Do I want internet access? A cell phone?
• How far away do I want to go?
• What kind of environment would support me? What would distract me?
• What other boundaries do I need to feel supported and present?

3. Inform your close circle

Once you’ve established your boundaries, communicate them to the loved ones who will be affected. Ask them for their support and tell them why you are taking this step. I call this “frontloading” (full article about this), which can be very useful.

For example, Inspired Spouse and I have an agreement that when I’m on retreat, I’m likely to call once each day after dinner for about 15 minutes. However, if I’m not in the mood, I won’t. Since we made this agreement in advance, it works out fine. In fact, those evening conversations have been among the sweetest in our 5 years together.

Although it may not happen, anticipate some resistance from your loves ones — especially if you’re new to setting boundaries with them. If they are accustomed to having you as their go-to person, they may not be entirely comfortable with you being unavailable to them. Ask if your loved ones need anything from you while you’re retreating. Be clear about your needs and negotiate an agreement that will work for all. It can be a challenging dance if this is something new for you, but honoring your own boundaries while respecting others’ is worth the effort.

4. Set an intention

Once boundary details have been worked out, spend some time talking or journaling about what you’d like to get out of your retreat. I don’t suggest writing a to-do list (since you probably have plenty of to-dos in your normal life). Instead, think about what you’d like the retreat to feel like. What kind of experience do you want to have, in general?

For example, your intention might be to relax and find some peace. You might want to practice being present and giving self-compassion. Perhaps you’d like to express yourself creatively through writing, or song, or drawing. You could spend days just asking yourself, “What would nourish my spirit?” and really listening to the information you receive.

Spend time thinking about what you’d like out of the time. Doing this increases your chances of getting what you need.

5. Choose your destination

Once you’ve set your intention, find a setting that will support it. How important is solitude? Prepared meals? Walking trails? Nature? Community? Over time, I’ve discovered that I like having a room to myself (with a bathroom) and the option of solitude. Being near water is one of my favorite things, so I find places that offer this.

Because I write about retreats a lot, people often ask me, “Where do you go?”. I confess I have some favorites (none of the following are affiliate links). Among them are Breitenbush Hot Springs, Mt. Angel Abbey, St. Benedict’s Lodge, Silver Falls Conference Center and any number of vacation rentals. I’ve also always wanted to go to Menucha and Hidden Lake, too.

If you’re not close to Oregon, just Google “retreat center” and your state or country — you’re bound to come up with some options. Maybe you have a friend with a beach or mountain getaway you could rent. Some people like to check in to a B&B or hotel.

What’s right for you? Only you can decide.

6. Travel lightly

When faced with gobs of free time, it’s common to over-plan how you’ll use it. You might feel tempted to load up a suitcase with projects, activities, even neglected work to fill your time.

Consider bringing less than you think you’ll need. A lot less. Physically carrying less with you is a conscious act of simplicity and a reminder that you already have all you need: head, heart, body and spirit. Seize the opportunity to discover what you would do if there was nothing to do.

If you can, make the traveling to your destination part of the retreat. Take your time driving through your own town like a tourist, noticing the people and smells and architecture. Enjoy the scenery. Stop at a roadside stand. On the way to one of my favorite retreat centers, I love to stop at a restaurant to order mouthwatering apple strudel. Savoring this dessert is a retreat all by itself!

7. Tolerate silence

Lots of people ask me, “What do you DO on retreat?”. Honestly, sometimes I do nothing but stare at the sky. On retreat, you can read, meditate, journal, create, walk, pray, and do anything that helps you slow down and feel nourished.

One of the things I have been working on is tolerating silence. When I’m silent, I can hear the voices I often ignore — the shoulds, ought tos, and shouldn’ts. The silence I give myself allows me to question these voices instead of letting them run my life. It’s a very powerful practice to slow down enough to notice and work through these thoughts.

If you’re not a quiet type, there’s no requirement to be completely silent. The idea is to try something different. Give it some thought.

8. Make space for feelings

Taking time out puts you in touch with your feelings. At least it can. I sometimes feel moved just looking at the trees in fall, or a humming bird feeding, or a sumptuous retreat meal. In her book, An Altar in the World (excerpted here), Barbara Brown Taylor says, “…If you slow down for a day, then all kinds of alarming things can happen. You can start crying without having the slightest idea why.”

We spend so much energy putting off feelings in our daily lives that they can catch us by surprise. A wise friend once told me that any feeling, fully felt, dissipates. On retreat, you have the opportunity to feel deeply without interruption, allowing old pain to dissolve and more space to open in your heart.

I used to think that feeling emotional meant I was doing my retreat wrong — that I should just feel blissed out all the time. If you find yourself feeling moved, don’t let it frighten you. Welcome the feelings. Allow yourself to be present with them and discover what they have to tell you.

9. Listen to the small, still voice

Whether you’re gone for a day or a week, a moment may arrive when you’re not sure what to do next. In our normal lives, we’re used to rushing on to the next thing. On retreat, this moment of uncertainty gives you the opportunity to ask yourself a simple and life-changing question: “What do I need right now?”

When you ask this, pause. Stop and listen for a small, clear response. Some people hear a voice, others sense a feeling in their body. You might get an image, or a sound, or nothing at all. It might take some practice, this listening. When we rush, our spirit closes down — retreats open it back up again.

Listen for what this small, still voice has to share – and then find a way to act on it. I’ve spent entire retreats focusing on this one question, asking it of myself dozens of times in one day. “What do I need right now?” Then listening deeply. Then acting on what I perceive. Not only does this practice help my office organizing techniques, it’s a first class ticket to a more fulfilling life.

What do you need right now?

10. Integrate retreat insights into your life

When you return to your life, it might be hard to remember what you discovered about yourself. Take notes – leave breadcrumbs so you can find your way back to this simpler life. On the night before you leave your retreat, take some time to reflect on (and even record) some of the insights you gained during your retreat.

What would you like to take back with you? Maybe you ate home-made meals on retreat and you’d like to continue that practice at home. Maybe you slept for a full 8 hours each night. On one retreat, I discovered a simpler way to keep track of my work projects that I jotted down and implemented as soon as I got home. If you reflect, you can almost always find a seed of truth that you want to take home with you.

Take your time settling back in, even giving yourself a few days home with no commitments to ease back in. This allows even further integration of the pace of retreats and helps you slow your real life down to a healthier pace.

Is it time?

I know this is a long article. If you made it this far, perhaps a retreat is calling to you? What would it take for you to take the leap?

This post is one of a 4-part series on retreats. To read the rest, visit the links below:

Part 1: Laughs, Tears, and Rodents with Fancy Tails
Part 2: Get More Done by Not Doing Anything
Part 3: How the Retreat Really Went
Part 4: Is Your Spirit Tank on Empty? 10 steps to your retreat

13 comments

Just a minute ago, I went looking for a document that I know is in a file. I even know where the file is. This is awesome and an accomplishment. Yay!

However, if you were hanging out in the office with me and watched me “go looking”, nothing was actually happening. I was just staring out the window. In my mind there was lots going on.

Here’s where I went:

• I need that document.
• Where is it? (thinking) Ah, it’s in that file.
• (getting a mental picture) Oh, but it’s messy in there.
• Scary! Don’t make me go!
• Where’s the chocolate?

Between the remembering of the file’s location and its contents, I felt dread. I don’t want to deal with the messiness. It’s confusing. It’s frustrating! I haven’t touched it in at least 6 months, so I don’t know what else is in there. I don’t want to get all tangled in it! That’s so stressful to me.

Wisdom of emotions

When we react emotionally to our stuff, it means that it’s running us, not the other way around. That dread and even fear can be paralyzing. It can prevent you from doing all the cool things you want to do with your finite, precious days on the planet.

When you have big resistance to your stuff, take a moment to pause and see what’s going on. Pause to see what you need.

Putting the I back in “control”

Okay, so there’s not really an “i” in the word “control”, but you get my drift. It’s time to make that stuff yours again. Re-establish your sovereignty in your space.

Some of the things you can do to accomplish a peace treaty with a scary file (or drawer or closet) include:

• Shining a light – literally and metaphorically. Take everything out and take a good look around.
• Making friends – Some of the stuff inside you may want to keep. Have a happy reunion!
• Letting go - The fact that it was fear-inducing means that some purging is in order. Remove what you don’t need or love.

I’m going back into that file right now to pull out what I need, and I’m making a date to sort through the rest. I’m ready to remove whatever’s lurking! Whew!

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If you happen to subscribe to my email newsletter, Juicy Gems, you got an email today from me with the subject line, “4″. No content, just the subject line.

It was an accident, and I hope it didn’t bother you. I thought about sending out a follow-up message, explaining my error, but I didn’t want to further gum up your inbox. As it was, I sent out 1,100 of the same email to everyone who subscribes.

(laughing at myself)

A bunch of people emailed me back with comments like,

“5??”

“Need a day off?”

“Working on your golf swing?”

“That’s it?? Just 4??”

“Good numerology, Jen!”

“I thought maybe we were playing Secret Agent and that was a code of some sort, and the correct response was something like, ‘The falcon soars beyond the golden wheat field at dawn.’”

In reality, “4″ just stands for the 4th message in a series that I was working on, but I accidentally hit send. Woops!

So the lesson of the 4 is that we’re all human, we all make mistakes, and it’s okay to laugh at our humanness. : )

Have you made any humorous errors lately that you’d like to share?

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As I write this, there are more unanswered emails in my “inbox” than I care to admit.

This has been a week in which my best intentions were thwarted, and I received feedback from a couple of trustworthy sources that I wasn’t “on my game.” Email was part of it, but I also gave out the wrong time for a class, failed to prepare properly for a meeting, and spent too much time working on stuff that wasn’t all that important.

Stressful? You bet.

My high standards are where the problem started. When I made my first flub of the week, the little Gremlin of Self-Judgment perched on my shoulder and whispered some not-very-nice things about me.

When I made my second flub, the whisper became a stern repartee.

It only got worse from there. I mean, seriously! I was counting my errors! By the end of the week, I was buried in self-judgment, exhausted, and feeling rather insecure about my competence as a business owner.

Thank God I’m normal.

If people I admire didn’t tell me they have weeks just like this, I would be really scared. But I know it’s normal.

If anything, making a few gaffes this week illustrates how far I’ve come as a cluttered creative person. I used to forget things daily. I was constantly late, making excuses and tearfully begging forgiveness. My teachers never knew how to grade me at the end of a semester because (although I participated enthusiastically in class) I’d never turned in any homework.

I have come a long way.

What trips me up

When I start forgetting things, I use it against myself. As evidence.

That nasty gremlin is out to prove that I’ll always be that disorganized girl. It says, “You think you’re so organized, we’ll just see, shall we?!”

And then I make another mistake. “See?? Ha! Ha! You ARE the same person you’ve always been! You’ll never be organized!” And then I make even more mistakes.

Ugh.

Ever been there? It totally sucks.

What I do (and maybe you might like to try too)

The other day, I had a nice talk with my wonderful, sensitive uncle and friend — who also happens to facilitate non-violent communication (NVC) groups. Uncle Tim caught me off guard when he used a term I’d never heard before, “self-empathy”. When he said it, little bells rang gleefully inside my heart.

Self-empathy!

I don’t know how the official NVC technique works, but yesterday when I “caught” myself making a mistake and entertaining that nasty gremlin, I took a deep breath — and this is what I said to myself:

“Jen, you are having a hard week. You’re feeling badly about not showing up the way you want to with people you really love. You’re feeling really embarrassed for missing connections and for giving incorrect information. It’s okay to feel sad and embarrassed and disappointed.

“You’re human. It’s okay to make mistakes and not to be perfect. You are doing the best you can right now. I want to remind you that your heart is in the right place. Forgive yourself for making these ‘errors’. Don’t let your past determine your future, okay? You can start fresh, right now. You are a good human being and I love you.”

I wiped away a few tears, took a deep breath… and sat for a while with a nice cup of tea. It was such a different way of talking with myself, and I could feel peace settling into my heart, where doubt and anxiety had been.

Compassion is a powerful tool for creating order

What I am slowly discovering is that the more compassionate I am with myself, the more productive I am. It sounds anti-intuitive, but judgment makes my spirit shrivel up and escalates stress. When I am compassionate with myself, I feel free. I have choices and see opportunities to adjust my actions creatively.

Of course, this is about organizing, but it’s also more than that. The truth is, no amount of order creates happiness. Only you can create happiness. So, while you’re on the path to becoming more organized and less cluttered, why not offer yourself the compassion and self-empathy you crave — and so rightly deserve?

Thoughts? Yeah, buts? Me toos?

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It’s a cruel title, I know. I’m sorry.

Tax day is a mere month away.

If you’re the kind of person who puts off onerous tasks, you might be feeling a little overwhelmed right now. Okay, maybe a lot. I know I have.

This is an encouraging space. You can speak your truth.

So, how’s it going?

I’m curious. With a month remaining…

1. What’s going well? What do you already have figured out and feel confident on?

2. What’s in the way? Maybe it’s just getting the time, or something more insidious like overwhelm or beliefs about your abilities.

3. What’s next? I don’t mean “just finish my taxes”. I mean, what are 2 or 3 incremental baby steps you plan to take next to get your taxes closer to completion?

Feel like checking in?

I’d love to hear from you and how it’s going!

Warmly,
Jen

Care to comment?

How thinking gets you into trouble – and gets you out of it, too.

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Sometimes it’s not the clutter.

Sometimes it’s what we think that causes the most trouble.

Imagine sitting down at your computer to check your email and, when you open the inbox, the number total unopened emails is in the 4-digits.

You look at that number glowing on your screen and quietly think to yourelf,

“I’m so behind. I’m never going to catch up.”

That little comment to yourself is so quiet that you hardly even notice it. Even if you do, it’s so quick, it barely registers before you’re on to the next thing.

Looking deeper

The effect that thought has on you is immense. Deep in your brain, that thought triggers a response to a threat. Your body begins to prepare for battle or flight – skin begins to sweat, heart rate increases, adrenaline is released to give you the power to run.

Most of the time, you have no idea it’s even happening. Your brain is on auto-pilot.

The problem is that you can’t put this response to good use. You can’t punch your inbox’s lights out. And, faced with 1000 emails, you probably won’t take flight and run screaming down the hall. All the body triggers are out of alignment with the actual stimulus.

Overload

Worst of all, if you’re like a lot of stressed-out, busy people, you’re constantly thinking these kinds of thoughts:

I’m so behind.
I should have this done by now.
I promised I’d have this back to her.
My client is showing up any minute.
I’m never going to get caught up.
I’ll never break through.
I forgot that AGAIN!?
I should be doing way more than I am.

Say these kinds of things to yourself enough times and you’ll feel like you’re always running and always fighting for some peace.

Case in point

If you’ve ever had the illusion that Jen Hofmann has it all figured out, think again. A couple of months ago I started having heart fluttering and chest pain – accompanied by pretty awful digestive problems. I had no idea what was going on and I was really scared.

Interestingly, right before the symptoms started, I had been thinking about how January was (in my mind) “a wash” and I kept telling myself, “I wasted a whole month. I should have been doing more to grow my business.”

I was talking myself into a mental frenzy – for what? January was fine.

When the symptoms started, I failed to see what a compassionate physician did: I was stressed to the point of anxiety. All because of my thoughts.

Stress isn’t a baseline state

When it comes to surviving en encounter with an angry mastodon, stress is a lifesaver. But when your opponent is your inbox or your kitchen counter or the vacuum cleaner, that level of stress is out of alignment. We all do it, but it really does us harm. Ask any cardiac expert.

Thoughts are an inside job

Lots of people jump to the conclusion that if the inbox is causing you stress, the solution is to clean it out. I say, woah there. Not so fast.

Instead, I invite you on a journey of far greater subtlety:

1. Practice noticing your thoughts.

Like a lot of people, if you can’t see something, it doesn’t exist. Inspired Spouse suggested yesterday that I start keeping a list of the thoughts that come up for me. What a fabulous idea. I’m keeping a running list for the next week, just to see what’s there.

Neutrally observing your beliefs is freeing in a way that a desperately clean desk isn’t.

2. See your thoughts as visitors, not guests.

Instead of opening the door and willy-nilly letting in any thought, ask yourself if you want what they’re selling.

Just because a Girl Scout rings the bell, doesn’t mean she can move into the guest room. Just because you think you’re behind, doesn’t mean that belief needs to move in and run your life.

When you start seeing your thoughts as visitors, you’re actively loosening the hold they have on your spirit – not to mention your autonomic nervous system. You get to decide what stays and what goes – which is empowering.

3. Gently start sending your thoughts away.

In other words, when you notice a thought, don’t cause more damage by telling yourself, “Dummy! Why are you thinking that again?”

Be gentle.

Notice if there are thoughts you want to release because they’re not really true. If you’re feeling behind, behind compared to what? What if it were okay to be exactly where you are right now, even if it’s not where you wanted to be?

The key is to begin to cultivate gentleness toward yourself.

The thoughts inside your head are sometimes harsh and cruel – and you can’t thrive in an environment like that. When you put your spirit in front of the line, the thoughts may still come up but they won’t run your life. It might be a long journey to get to that place, but just think of the possibilities.

Thoughts? Yeah, buts? Me toos?

14 comments

The “What do YOU do?” series invites you to share your organizing insights and ideas and gives you a glimpse into my life as a messy, creative person. Jump in – you’re an expert on your own experience.

Knowing I have a lot of un-replied-to emails in my inbox stresses me out. The story in my head is something like, “I should reply to people as soon as they email me.” But that is a very stressful (and unrealistic) expectation.

Replying to email promptly and sanely.

What is currently working well for me:

I have structures. Twice a day, 3 days a week, I’ve scheduled 30 minutes with my inbox. It’s written on my Google calendar and I get a little pop-up “ding dong!” 10 minutes before hand. That’s 3ish hours a week devoted to checking and answering email.

I have systems. When folks purchase The Wish Kit or sign up for my newsletter, I use a special auto-responder that sends them a confirmation email. I don’t have to be at my desk for them to receive what they ordered. It’s sweet. It’s fast.

The other system I recently implemented is setting up 1-on-1 appointments using timedriver.com (hat tip: Marissa Bracke). This has saved me countless back-and-forth emails trying to find a convenient meeting time across time zones. Whew!

What I’m currently working on:

I want to reply faster. Confession time. At the moment, I have emails awaiting responses that are over 3 weeks old. And one from Charlie Gilkey that’s from August. Please, please don’t compare yourself against this – what I’m getting at is the anxiety I feel from having a high volume of email and not replying as quickly as I’d like. Yuck.

It all goes back to the days when I was in school and trying to hide the fact that I’d forgotten to do my homework for the Nth time. Oh, the shame… Email makes me feel this way sometimes.

Differentiating between IHO emails and personal emails. All my emails come to one box. I don’t fritter a lot of time away on personal emails during work time, but I do forget to answer them entirely once the computer is shut off for the weekend.

3 hours a week isn’t enough. It’s hard, but it’s true. I think the remedy is in the next section.

Differentiating between informational email and work email. By this I mean that some emails are ones I can read and file easily. Done. Other emails are requests for work, for time, for attention. I cannot read and file these, because they’re incomplete. I’m still learning how to say no to some requests for my time and how to follow-through effectively on others.

How do YOU return email promptly?

Please share what works for you -  and what you’re still learning!

Your comments on your own process are welcome. House rules: Give advice to me or others only when it’s specifically requested. This makes exploring safe and learning possible for every reader.

4 comments