You know, one of those “I just have to push through this” kind of projects? Maybe it’s your quarterly taxes, or a holiday is coming and you just have to get the dining room table cleared, or your newsletter is way overdue. Maybe it’s that overwhelming stack of books I wrote about in the last newsletter. Something has reached the breaking point.

If you felt motivated about this project, that would be great. You could use that momentum to fuel yourself. But, unfortunately, the project I’m talking about is something you’ve been dreading. Something that’s tedious and loathsome. This project will take a lot of effort and you don’t feel like doing it. Can you feel it? Got something in mind?

The usual strategy is to push

I’m not a mom, but I know enough people who’ve given birth to know that there’s only one time in that whole process that it’s helpful to push — and that’s at the end. If pushing starts too soon it doesn’t just complicate matters, it also wastes precious energy needed later. That baby won’t join the world until it’s good and ready.

With a loathed project, a lot of people start pushing at the very beginning. Sometimes this works initially, but it leaves you exhausted long before you reach the finish line. In fact, one of my intrepid researching clients found a study that shows that exerting willpower actually lowers your blood sugar. So, pushing isn’t just emotionally and mentally draining, it affects your metabolism too.

Take tax prep, for example

As I write this, I’m vaguely aware that the quarterly tax for self-employed folks is due this week. I’ve been spending a lot of energy avoiding thinking about it and telling myself that I’ll get to it. Interestingly, I’m using up energy just to push away the project. When the time comes to do it, it would be a prime opportunity for me to push through and do a lot of inner damage.

In the past, I would have stayed up late, gotten overwhelmed, and berated myself for waiting so long. I would have pushed through with insufficient sleep, tearful outbursts, and days of recovery time. Now I have more effective strategies (which I’ll share with you in a moment), but this is one example of how pushing doesn’t really work.

Mean self-talk makes everything worse

The biggest problem with pushing is that when your energy for a project starts to flag and you become fatigued, you switch gears into a kind of self-loathing, “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” talk. It’s an insidious inner dialog that includes nasty jabs at your own value. A few of mine include “What the hell is wrong with you?” and “You idiot! Why did you wait so long?” (and those are on a nice day). I suppose some people’s inner dialog is directed at the complexity of IRS forms and the agency in general, but my mean-talk is usually directed at me. You too?

Here’s the thing: the mean self-talk is intended to motivate us. No matter how miserable we feel about these inner exclamations, they’re misguided attempts to prod us into action when we’re tired. But now, instead of having a loathsome, tedious, dreaded project — you also feel like crap. Yuck.

Been there?

Alternatives to pushing through

Make space:

Back to the baby analogy for a moment – what’s the one thing everyone learns to do in preparation for birth? Breathing. When it comes to projects, you can do literal breathing to get calm. You can also give yourself breathing room by taking a short break, physically leaving the space you’re in, getting outside, taking a shower. You can do any number of things that will help you get out of the spin and feeling more grounded again.

Talk nicely:

How would you talk to your best friend if she were in the same spot as you, struggling with a project? Being the kind of person you are, you’d offer support and solace and commiseration. Chances are pretty good that you’d offer encouragement.

What would it be like to do that for yourself? One thing you can try is pausing to notice the steps you’ve already taken. Say them out loud or in your head. Say encouraging things. Try being your own best friend and supporting yourself when the chips are down.

Explore small steps forward:

One of the things that makes big projects harder is their complexity. So it can help to take a moment and jot down the next 3-6 steps in your project. Baby steps. For my taxes example, I first need to get a summary of the last 3 months’ earnings. Secondly, I can then divide that number by 33%. Thirdly, I can get out the checkbook and an envelope. When I write out these steps, I start feeling calmer. My brain engages. It begins to seem possible that I can complete this by Thursday.

Ask for help:

When you’re struggling and isolated, this sometimes compounds the difficulty of doing something big. It helps to share your struggles with someone you trust to be supportive. To participate in a class that focuses on your project, like decluttering your office. To find a buddy who struggles with the same project and work encouragingly side-by-side. Just because you got here alone doesn’t mean it has to stay that way.

In short, you’re worth it!

Applying these alternatives takes time, but it’s worth it because they can decrease the amount of stress you feel when working on a big project. Over time, you feel less dread and more confidence in doing things that seem hard. Best of all, bringing kindness to challenging projects leaves you with extra energy to spend on yourself, fun activities, and with those you love!

Feel free to share your experiences with hard projects!

Under stress, our brain functions less smoothly. The more I focus on how I’m forgetful, the more stress I feel. I tell myself, “I want to remember! I want to do it right! I don’t want to get caught forgetting something yet again.” Thinking these kinds of thoughts actually increase my stress — making me more likely to forget.

What you focus on gets magnified. When I focus on forgetting — guess what! — I forget details, dates, and other important things. More stress! Ack!

Over time I’ve discovered that focusing on what I do want (rather than what I don’t want) is a better way to make change happen. Specifically, I’m shifting my use of the phrase, “I forgot”.

What I’m saying now is, “I remember.” I’m saying, “I just remembered to ask you…” and “I remembered today that I need to take out the recycling (instead of I forgot last night).” Because, if you think about it, the moment that I discover I forgot something I’ve actually remembered it! Which feels great! I remembered! Yay!

By saying remember instead of forget, I feel more confident, less anxious and better about myself. I’m discovering that I’m not as forgetful as I thought. It’s an upward spiral — by shifting my language and focus is I’m remembering more.

Do you struggle with forgetting? What helps you remember better?

If you live or work with someone who’s disorganized, you’re miserable around her sometimes. You also realize that she’s pretty miserable too. Clutter is frustrating for everyone.

People ask me this a lot: How do I get her to change?

My answer: You can’t.

She probably needs help. And you might think that you’re helping by offering suggestions. Maybe you pick it up for her. Or sneakily throw stuff away when she’s not looking. Or nag. Or issue ultimatums. Or even beg.

To be honest, we all do these things in an attempt to get an uncomfortable situation to change. They’re all strategies that supposedly make different choices. You can absolutely try all of these things, but they just don’t work.

The nature of change

The truth is, you can’t change someone. You can coerce, cajole, and nag, but you can’t really force change onto someone. Change is an inside job — and even that hardly works! Think about the last time you resolved to change a habit. Every time I do, it’s a lesson in humility.

Change is hard. And slow. If we can hardly get ourselves to change, it’s even less successful when it’s another person.

Why attempts to change others don’t work

Attempting to change someone else almost always backfires. People have an automatic, ingrained response to someone attempting to change them. I’ll bet you can guess what that automatic response is.

When you try to get someone to clean up her clutter (read: change), she resists. She pushes back. Or she avoids the issue and hides it. In other words, nothing gets resolved. What’s worse, you damage the trust in your relationship.

Don’t suck it up

Living or working with someone who is cluttered isn’t a cake walk. It’s hard, disruptive, and stressful. It’s hard for you personally, and it’s hard to see someone you care about struggle.

You probably have some good intentions at heart by wanting to help make it better. You may also be sending the unintended message that she’s wrong or bad for doing things the way she does.

It’s important to take care of yourself. If you have a space where you can close the door, this is a good thing. You get a reprieve. This isn’t the final solution, however.

Some unexpected, practical suggestions

The one thing you can do that will help is offer acceptance. Nothing creates an environment more ripe for change than this. In fact, acceptance is a core value of Inspired Home Office. When a person feels deeply accepted as they are, that is the moment when lasting change becomes possible.

Your role, as someone who loves and lives with a cluttered person, is to communicate to her that she is accepted as they are — imperfect and beautiful. By changing how you interact with her, it becomes safe for her to start making her own changes.

It sounds crazy, but in my years of working on this issue, acceptance is the tool I use again and again. It works.

Acceptance in action

If you want to try acceptance, the following suggestions are ideas for practicing it:

• Find a part of her that you love and accept without question. Like her good heart. Or her laugh. Think of some of the qualities she has that you admire. Share this with her without ‘buts.’

• Use humor. I have an annoying habit (according to Inspired Spouse) of removing plastic bread tags and leaving them on the kitchen counter. (Oh, if that were my only annoying habit!). One day, I was fishing through my purse and found three of those bread tags at the bottom. I laughed out loud — and I got the point! If you’re using humor, check your intention. Be sure it’s clean and not intended to jab or criticize. Used well, humor can diffuse stress and encourage creative solutions.

• Share how specific kinds of clutter impact you — without blame. Share your truth without expecting anything to change. It’s especially helpful if you share your feelings. For example, you could say, “When I see your desk, I feel helpless, frustrated, and overwhelmed.”

• Refrain from judgment. It’s tempting to think that you could do thing better than she can. Unfortunately, putting yourself in the role of judge can be a set-up for the judged. Instead, keep an open mind that there are more solutions available than you know of. Be open to the idea that this person might need very different organizing systems from you. Be curious about her.

• Ask what she needs — and listen. Although you may think you already know what she needs and how to fix things, listening non-judgmentally is profoundly healing. Listening can heal some of the conflict between you (if there has been any) and dissolve the judgement. It builds trust and it helps her feel supported.

• Ask how you can support her. Instead of being an adversary, let her know that you’d be willing to help if she asked (if this is really  true for you). Cluttered people often feel very lonely and helpless (even though they are quite capable). Offering assistance can help her find the courage to begin to address her disorganization.

• Find an outlet for your frustration. If the clutter is really getting to you and change isn’t happening, talk to someone about it. You need empathy and listening too. Bottled up hostility don’t help improve a situation.

Of course, if you do any of these things with the express intention of changing the person, it will backfire. By refraining from judgement and becoming an ally to the cluttered person, you’re creating a safe environment where change can become possible where it wasn’t before.

I wish you blessings on this journey. Feel free to comment below!

I sat down to write my newsletter and could NOT get motivated, so I tried my hand at my first video ever.

Highlights:

• Why vacations rock and why we need them
• The 4 HUGE books I’m taking on my own vacation
• A short reflection activity that helps you get the most from summer break
• Me at my ADD best
• The blue rose wallpaper!

Note: The picture needs work and the sound is low (turn up the volume), but I hope you’ll enjoy it anyway.

You’re invited

Upcoming classes

• July 9 and 13: Office Spa Days 2-hours of clutter-clearing (details)
• July 12: Secrets of My Success Do you live near Salem, Oregon? If so, you’re invited to attend part of a free speakers series at Chemeketa Center for Business and Industry. I’ve been asked to present there on the 10 lessons that helped make my life and business a success. I’d love it if you were there! (details)
• July 14: Fun Summer School — Organizing Your Virtual Products Finally! A chance to organize and really use all those virtual products you’ve bought over the years. (details)
• August 11: Fun Summer School — Organizing Your Computer Files Every try to find a file on your computer and end up frustrated? Here’s your chance to get time and great ideas to solve the snarls! (details)

Upcoming programs

August:

• Psst! The super-secret beta membership program goes live in August! Details soon!

September:

• For Haven’s Sake — Declutter your creative space (3 months) Look for details next month!
• Inspired Organizing – Organize your office intuitively (4 months) More details next month!

Your turn!

What are your your favorite big, fat books? What would nourish you this summer?

Yeah, me neither. But I suuuuure did want one.

To be 100% honest, I yearned for an office like that.

I sighed over the high-end woods and metals…pined for the sassy classy textiles tossed just-so on the lounging sofa…longed for the vast empty desk space to whistle while I worked…and whined for an upholstered wall with lots of inspiration and very few work reminders.

And I did all that sighing, pining, longing, and whining while slumped at an undersized, overwhelmed particleboard IKEA desk—in a small bedroom with barely enough room for rolling back my chair, forget an extra piece of furniture just for lying around and throwing blankets on.

If there was a square inch of empty space on my desk, I would’ve had to move the 8-inch stacks of paper and a rainbow snowbank of Post-Its to find it.

And if I wanted to find inspiration, my four blank beige walls with a few wilted postcards pinned to them were not the place to look.

This was my reality.

Reality? Check!

But the fantasy…oooooh, the fantasy!

I daydreamed of Pottery Barn’s pictured perfect spaces, full of bright windows and matching folders and furniture not made of dust and glue. In my sleeping dreams I walked among tall cabinets with tiny drawers full of treasures and sat at a gleaming empty desk.

And whether asleep or awake, I thought: “If I had an office like that, I would have a real business. And until I have that, I’m not a real business person. Because this mess of mine ain’t what a real business looks like.”

And then I found the first flaw.

I was flipping through yet another catalog and deep into the sighing, pining, and whining when I realized that none of the computer monitors had cords. Or the CPUs. Or the laptops either.

But then, what would be the point of cords when there were no outlets to plug them into?

Sometimes this was absurdly obvious, like the desk that was coyly positioned in the middle of a room. It was a shining steel-and-glass island floating in a sea of polished wood floor…

…that I’d have to abandon for the kitchen counter in four hours when the laptop battery died.

And good thing their office had those big windows for general lighting, because there were only two task lamps for the entire room. And, hey, how can someone pick the right folder when they’re the same color and alllll the way on the other side of the room?

It went downhill from there.

I’d finally seen those dream offices for what they were: Dreams. And someone else’s dreams, to boot.

Because my ideal office would need all kinds of lighting to shine me through the wee morning hours when I do my best work. And why have furniture to hold folders when I could organize my files digitally and get rid of paper altogether?

And it’d be pretty important to have cords to plug in and outlets to plug them into, wouldn’t ya think?

Sheesh…how was anyone supposed to get any real work done in there?

In the end….

As you’d guess, my real office looks nothing like those dreams. In fact, it looks like nothing…period.

I have a laptop, a portable wireless connection, a notepad, and a pouch of pens. And when I want to travel really light, I exchange the laptop for an iPad.

And that’s all.

No desk, no chair…no office.

Instead, my office is where I make it. Sometimes it’s in a noisy plaza across town and sometimes in a cafe downtown. Sometimes it’s a quiet corner of my local sandwich shop and sometimes it’s the soft sunny corner of my couch.

The world is my office.

I never pictured that. And those catalogs didn’t either.

So.

Please don’t compare and despair. The pictured perfect probably isn’t perfect for you! You’ll need more or less space, more or less light, more or less storage, more or less stuff.

Maybe you’ll discover you need a whole lot more. Maybe, like me, you’ll discover you need a whole lot less.

You’ll definitely need a way to plug stuff in

Don’t get me wrong, magazines and catalogs are great for ideas and inspiration, but only those. If you catch yourself sighing and longing and pining and whining, remember my opposite-of-office, chew on what would work best for you…

…and get real.

Crys Williams writes about ideas and tools for tiny online businesses over at Big Bright Bulb. Her office moves around, but you can always find her in the same place on Twitter: @bigbrightbulb.

Distraction

Your brain is a busy, busy place. You try to concentrate on your work — doing that marketing stuff or that article or balancing your books — but you “come to” an hour later on Facebook, looking at your childhood best friend’s baby photos.

Ahh, yes. We all do it. We’d like to be perpetually productive and professional, but our creative minds don’t willingly take on that yoke. Although you are a grown adult, you have a distractable three-year-old inside your brain throwing tantrums, picking daisies, and — ooh! What’s that over there? A raven mind that’s drawn to on shiny objects. The Buddhists call it monkey-mind.

Whatever you call it, despite knowing all the things you’re supposed to do in business, something else takes over. Regularly.

Distraction happens

As I type this, there’s an American Robin sitting in a tree close to my window, singing full tilt boogie. He’s so near, I can see his bright yellow beak opening and his body expanding with each burst of song. It’s all I can do to not watch him for the next 20 minutes instead of write this.

Full disclosure: I started this article two weeks ago and have been in compulsive Twitter-checking mode since. Hmm…

So whether your distraction is caused by long-term stress or a hard-wired condition like ADHD, it happens. Our brains are not machines. They’re not meant to be “on” constantly.

Your mind wants to gobble up cheese puffs

When your mind’s distractable, anything that’s visual and easy to consume is like a bag of cheese puffs for your brain. When I’m in a brain-snacky kind of mood, I’ll click on just about any link that crosses my path. My brain snackage includes Facebook, Twitter, email, cakewrecks.com, and cake decorating videos on YouTube. It’s true.

There are alternatives to letting distraction drive you (and those who love you) nuts. Here are a few:

Five ideas for shifting distraction

1. The power of a pause

If you notice yourself doing these cheese-puffy activities in the moment, pause. Don’t berate yourself. Just stop and gently ask yourself what you need.

Very often we chomp on brain snacks because we’re tired, overwhelmed, or feel uncertain about how to begin something big. Very often, I find myself online when I need a break.

So I stop and ask, “Is this what I want to do right now? Is this activity nourishing me? What do I need?” Asking these questions can invite curiosity and help you redirect your attention in a positive, respectful way.

2. Let ‘er rip

It’s important to recognize that having a distractable mind isn’t a bad thing. You’re not lazy or lacking in discipline. You’re creative. You’re curious. Your mind is naturally wired for discovery and insight!

When you have these gifts, you can honor them by allowing time for them. You might still nibble on mental cheese puffs occasionally, but I invite you to be curious about what you’re longing to explore. And then do it!

Instead of obsessively watching cake decorating videos on YouTube, I signed up for a month-long fondant decorating class. It was so much more fun and engaging (and delicious) to practice this new skill than watching any video! What do you find fascinating? Make a date with it. Indulge it. Have fun!

3. Try something other than force

Have you ever noticed yourself using force to focus on and complete something? Sometimes force is effective. Sometimes, no matter how much you force, your work starts to drag to a snail’s pace. Instead of strenuously pushing pushing pushing to get something done, give your brain some down time.

Give yourself an on-purpose distraction. Do something different. Get up, move around, get the mail, stretch, put some stuff in the recycle bin. Just get away from the project for a few minutes and see what happens.

4. Write for clarity

When I’m super-distracted, I grab a blank sheet of paper and a purple pen, sit on the floor (away from my desk), and write down everything I’m trying to hold in my head.

Writing things by hand is a powerfully integrative activity. It only takes a few minutes to get it all down on paper — and it feels like setting down a 10lb bag of cheese puffs. Get it all out of your head. Suddenly you feel lighter and clearer.

In Office Spa Day, I encourage folks to do this kind of brainstorming. Once you’ve offloaded the list onto paper, I invite you to choose the one easiest, funnest, most do-able thing on the list. When you start doing that one thing, overwhelm turns into focus and motivation. It’s amazingly simple and so effective!

5. Practice slowing down

Sometimes distractibility is a sign that you’ve been busy and you expect to be busy for-basically-ever. It’s not fun, and lack of focus is a symptom of a life out of balance. Slowing down can help.

Some people rightfully resist the idea of slowing down because it seems counter-productive. How does slowing down get through the to-do list? Some are afraid if they slow down, they’ll never start back up again. As I mentioned, your brain can’t go-go-go constantly without compromising functionality.

The beauty of slowing down is contrast. When you take a break from the Internet for a weekend or afternoon, or when you sit and read a book instead of racing through email, you recalibrate your sense of what’s normal. You re-integrate a new, healthier pace for your brain and body. Sometimes you can even remember that there’s more to life than getting more stuff done (like hugging, savoring a meal, or contemplating clouds).

I’ve written a bunch about the value of retreating. So has Jen Louden and Elizabeth Gilbert and a gaggle of other awesome people. Maybe there’s some merit to this slowing down thing. Just maybe.

Distracted?

If you’re distracted, just know that you’re in good company. Setting an intention to be kind to yourself and compassionate in your solutions can make a big difference.

Are these ideas helpful? What else helps transform your distraction?

Once of the risks I took 5 years ago when I quit my day job was to drop my health insurance. I know. I can hear your cringing. I insured my business, but health insurance was financially out of reach.

I knew it was risky. I was 32 at the time, in good health, and was willing to gamble. Talk to any insurance sales person and they’ll regale you with tales catastrophe and financial ruin. For the last 5 years, I’ve lain awake some nights thinking that some odd pain was going to be my first class ticket to living in a cardboard box.

32-year-old me never imagined I’d still be without any health insurance coverage 5 years later.

Until today…

…when this came in the mail.

(angels singing)

My application was approved and the coverage shall now commence.

I’m so happy/relieved/ecstatic that this area of my life is becoming saner, more organized and more supportive to my well-being. May you find the same in your own life.

I invite you to cheer with me while I heave an enormous sigh of relief. Thanks to Oregon, ODS, OEBB, Chemeketa, and the support of my family and clients.

Whooopee!
Jennifer

It started back in September when I saw the first glittering tree in a store. Ohh noo, I thought. Here it comes.

If you’re the kind of person who has more ideas than time, the holidays are not your friend.

I’m here to tell you lovingly, compassionately, that if you felt like a zombie until March this year like I did, something’s got to give. You can’t do it all. Well, you could do it all, but the cost to your spirit, your business, and your loved ones is high. Consider making this year different.

Media soup

Our imaginations are captivated by images of the perfect turkey, a whirlwind kiss at the stroke of midnight, of towering heaps of presents gorgeously wrapped. More and more, I’m convinced that this advertising is the enemy of creative people. Although these images inspire us, they also give us a standard so high that we could work our fingers to the bone every day for 6 weeks and not enjoy a single moment of it. It’s too much.

The other thing? Imagine being yelled at for a whole month — how rested would you feel on day 30? Yet if you watch TV, read the paper, go online, or receive emails from major retailers, you are subject to this media screaming match. The sheer quantity of marketing messages increases daily until December 24th (1). Retailers want your money and they’ll entice, cajole, intimidate, and holler until you relent.

While the norm is to start shopping in December, but most of us believe we’re behind if we haven’t started by then. In the marketing industry, we’re called panic shoppers — and an amazing array of strategies are used to get us to part with out cash (2). In other words, companies use strategies that deliberately capitalize on your feelings of overwhelm and insecurity.

Whew!

In contrast with the seasons

This holiday hype is more in tune with spring/summer energy — for those lucky enough to be in the Southern hemisphere, at least there’s a bit more congruence.

In the northern hemisphere, we’re slowing down. If you pay attention to the energetic qualities of autumn and winter, you can feel the pull toward gathering, for completion, for storing up, for sloughing off, for deep, bone-loosening rest. These seasonal activities are vital for all living things, including human beings. We need rest in order to gather up energy for spring. We need to slough off so that there is room later for new arrivals. We need to store up so that we’re spared from expending excess energy.

We must exhale all the way out so that we have energy and space to fully receive what comes in. That’s what fall and winter are for.

Oddly enough, we’re the only critters on the planet that try to live contrary to the rhythms of the seasons. Holiday hype doesn’t help matters at all.

Bridging the gap

If you’re craving some sanity and calm, here are three strategies that help you feel less victimized and more grounded through the holiday season.

1. Create an intention for the holidays.

Today’s message includes a holiday gift to you from my heart. It’s a worksheet that helps you identify the essence of your holiday vision. Use it and you’ll actually enjoy your holidays with significantly less stress. You may even want to complete it with your loved ones.

Just print out the Holiday Worksheet (pdf) and fill in the following sections in this order:

1. What words describe how I would like the rest of 2010 to feel? What do I want? What don’t I want?
2. Describe how it is right now (or even how it was last year). What went well? What didn’t go well?
3. Below the green arrow, write all the things you want to do that will help you create the ideal season. Revisit this worksheet often enough to keep yourself on track towards your vision. Add steps as they occur to you.

Hold the intention of storing up energy for the new year. When you write down what you want, you gain clarity about what needs to be left behind and what choices will best support you. Want other ideas? Read on…

2. Say no. A lot.

If you want to let got of long-held family traditions, saying no can be challenging. Several years ago, I made the tough decision to not fly to Connecticut to spend the holidays with my family. It was hard because I get lonesome for them. However, our quiet, inspired celebrations at home truly nourish me in a way that an airport naked-body-scan, 8-hour flight with hundreds of stressed-out passengers, and a too-short visit ever will. It’s a trade-off. Saying no to the stress has made a positive difference in my relationship.

Saying no is an art form. It takes practice. When you say no, keep in mind that you’re really saying yes to the things that nourish you. This might sound selfish, but when your spirit is full, everyone around you benefits. Completing the worksheet above will give you an easier time declining opportunities or requests because they don’t fit.

3. Clean off your desk

Clearing off your workspace a few times between the holidays helps you wrap up unfinished business, and clearing away the related materials. Put tools in their homes so that you can find them again. This process clears the mental slate and makes space for what’s coming in 2011.

If you want support clearing your space, there is still room in both of the December Office Spa Days for enjoyable work time that gently eradicates the clutter and with it the related overwhelm.

One of the things I like to do is leave “breadcrumbs” for my future self. As I clear off my desk for holiday break, I write myself a note that includes instructions for when I get back in January. It feels great to have a reminder of where I left off and what my priorities are in January. Writing it down gets it out of your head so you can completely let go of it until the right time.

A gentle reminder

You do deserve a break and a restful end of the year. Let this message be a small whisper of sanity in the fray ahead. You can have the experiences you want this holiday season — and you’re worth the effort.

************************************

Retreat.

Last month’s article about our sped-up culture generated some interesting responses (Why I can’t Drive 55) on the blog. Many people feel overwhelmed and don’t know how to get off the no-so-merry-go-ground.

In recent years, I’ve become a huge advocate of an effective antidote to stressed-out living: retreats. Putting life on hold for a specific number of days, essentially pressing ‘pause’, is incredibly effective at helping people slow down and re-establish a healthy pace.

“Oh, no. I couldn’t possibly.”

If your first response to the idea of a retreat is resistance, you probably need it more than you think.

Your spirit gets depleted whenever your work needs you — or your kids, or parents, or whomever — to the point where you can’t ever leave. If this sounds like you, my heart goes out to you.

Most of the self-employed people I know are just a step from running on fumes. They try to solve this by adding things to their lives — new things like social events, possessions, foods, et cetera. But all this newness and novelty wears off pretty quickly, leaving us with more commitments and possessions to maintain.

Retreating is about allowing yourself to be nourished by simplicity.

Reasons not to…

As enticing at it may sound, we resist retreating for lots of reasons. Commitments — the kids, the business, the logistics, and the expense — are part if it. Look a little deeper and you’ll find other reasons:

• I’m afraid of upsetting or disappointing my family and friends.
• Whatever would I do with all that time?
• What if I discover something I want to change about my life?

When it comes down to it, one of the biggest reasons we resist retreating is fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of upsetting the status quo. These are absolutely valid feelings. If you feel this way, make some space for them to come up. Sit with them and see if you want to retreat despite the presence of fears.

Feel the fear and do it anyway.

Fear isn’t always red light; sometimes it’s a yield sign. Look both ways, and proceed.

13 years ago, when I took my fist solo retreat with guidance from Jen Louden’s The Woman’s Retreat Book, I was excited and also nervous. I took the leap and discovered things about myself I had never known. I felt renewed. Alive. It was worth the risk.

View a retreat as a tune-up for your heart. You can’t change the oil and spark plugs while you’re speeding down the road. The vehicle must leave the road temporarily in order to receive this restorative maintenance. Going on retreat takes you away from everyday life so that your spirit gets the maintenance it needs.

Be prepared

If you’re ready to pack you bags, or at least open to the idea, you’ll want to prepare yourself and those around you for your departure. Here are 10 ways you can get the most from your experience.

How to retreat

1. Schedule the time

Only you know what’s right for you, but I generally prefer that taking more than you think you need. Stretch. I used to retreat annually for a whole week. Now, I go every other month for 3 days.

If that much time sounds insane to you, ask yourself: “How much time do I need to feel truly nourished?” And listen — trust what comes up for you.

Then set it aside, marking the dates in your calendar.

2. Establish your boundaries

Any time you do something to nourish yourself, creating a safe container allows you to really immerse yourself in the experience.

Before you go on retreat, consider some of the following questions:

• Do I want to go alone?
• Do I want to be reachable? By whom? Under what circumstances? How often?
• Do I want internet access? A cell phone?
• How far away do I want to go?
• What kind of environment would support me? What would distract me?
• What other boundaries do I need to feel supported and present?

3. Inform your close circle

Once you’ve established your boundaries, communicate them to the loved ones who will be affected. Ask them for their support and tell them why you are taking this step. I call this “frontloading” (full article about this), which can be very useful.

For example, Inspired Spouse and I have an agreement that when I’m on retreat, I’m likely to call once each day after dinner for about 15 minutes. However, if I’m not in the mood, I won’t. Since we made this agreement in advance, it works out fine. In fact, those evening conversations have been among the sweetest in our 5 years together.

Although it may not happen, anticipate some resistance from your loves ones — especially if you’re new to setting boundaries with them. If they are accustomed to having you as their go-to person, they may not be entirely comfortable with you being unavailable to them. Ask if your loved ones need anything from you while you’re retreating. Be clear about your needs and negotiate an agreement that will work for all. It can be a challenging dance if this is something new for you, but honoring your own boundaries while respecting others’ is worth the effort.

4. Set an intention

Once boundary details have been worked out, spend some time talking or journaling about what you’d like to get out of your retreat. I don’t suggest writing a to-do list (since you probably have plenty of to-dos in your normal life). Instead, think about what you’d like the retreat to feel like. What kind of experience do you want to have, in general?

For example, your intention might be to relax and find some peace. You might want to practice being present and giving self-compassion. Perhaps you’d like to express yourself creatively through writing, or song, or drawing. You could spend days just asking yourself, “What would nourish my spirit?” and really listening to the information you receive.

Spend time thinking about what you’d like out of the time. Doing this increases your chances of getting what you need.

5. Choose your destination

Once you’ve set your intention, find a setting that will support it. How important is solitude? Prepared meals? Walking trails? Nature? Community? Over time, I’ve discovered that I like having a room to myself (with a bathroom) and the option of solitude. Being near water is one of my favorite things, so I find places that offer this.

Because I write about retreats a lot, people often ask me, “Where do you go?”. I confess I have some favorites (none of the following are affiliate links). Among them are Breitenbush Hot Springs, Mt. Angel Abbey, St. Benedict’s Lodge, Silver Falls Conference Center and any number of vacation rentals. I’ve also always wanted to go to Menucha and Hidden Lake, too.

If you’re not close to Oregon, just Google “retreat center” and your state or country — you’re bound to come up with some options. Maybe you have a friend with a beach or mountain getaway you could rent. Some people like to check in to a B&B or hotel.

What’s right for you? Only you can decide.

6. Travel lightly

When faced with gobs of free time, it’s common to over-plan how you’ll use it. You might feel tempted to load up a suitcase with projects, activities, even neglected work to fill your time.

Consider bringing less than you think you’ll need. A lot less. Physically carrying less with you is a conscious act of simplicity and a reminder that you already have all you need: head, heart, body and spirit. Seize the opportunity to discover what you would do if there was nothing to do.

If you can, make the traveling to your destination part of the retreat. Take your time driving through your own town like a tourist, noticing the people and smells and architecture. Enjoy the scenery. Stop at a roadside stand. On the way to one of my favorite retreat centers, I love to stop at a restaurant to order mouthwatering apple strudel. Savoring this dessert is a retreat all by itself!

7. Tolerate silence

Lots of people ask me, “What do you DO on retreat?”. Honestly, sometimes I do nothing but stare at the sky. On retreat, you can read, meditate, journal, create, walk, pray, and do anything that helps you slow down and feel nourished.

One of the things I have been working on is tolerating silence. When I’m silent, I can hear the voices I often ignore — the shoulds, ought tos, and shouldn’ts. The silence I give myself allows me to question these voices instead of letting them run my life. It’s a very powerful practice to slow down enough to notice and work through these thoughts.

If you’re not a quiet type, there’s no requirement to be completely silent. The idea is to try something different. Give it some thought.

8. Make space for feelings

Taking time out puts you in touch with your feelings. At least it can. I sometimes feel moved just looking at the trees in fall, or a humming bird feeding, or a sumptuous retreat meal. In her book, An Altar in the World (excerpted here), Barbara Brown Taylor says, “…If you slow down for a day, then all kinds of alarming things can happen. You can start crying without having the slightest idea why.”

We spend so much energy putting off feelings in our daily lives that they can catch us by surprise. A wise friend once told me that any feeling, fully felt, dissipates. On retreat, you have the opportunity to feel deeply without interruption, allowing old pain to dissolve and more space to open in your heart.

I used to think that feeling emotional meant I was doing my retreat wrong — that I should just feel blissed out all the time. If you find yourself feeling moved, don’t let it frighten you. Welcome the feelings. Allow yourself to be present with them and discover what they have to tell you.

9. Listen to the small, still voice

Whether you’re gone for a day or a week, a moment may arrive when you’re not sure what to do next. In our normal lives, we’re used to rushing on to the next thing. On retreat, this moment of uncertainty gives you the opportunity to ask yourself a simple and life-changing question: “What do I need right now?”

When you ask this, pause. Stop and listen for a small, clear response. Some people hear a voice, others sense a feeling in their body. You might get an image, or a sound, or nothing at all. It might take some practice, this listening. When we rush, our spirit closes down — retreats open it back up again.

Listen for what this small, still voice has to share – and then find a way to act on it. I’ve spent entire retreats focusing on this one question, asking it of myself dozens of times in one day. “What do I need right now?” Then listening deeply. Then acting on what I perceive. Not only does this practice help my office organizing techniques, it’s a first class ticket to a more fulfilling life.

What do you need right now?

10. Integrate retreat insights into your life

When you return to your life, it might be hard to remember what you discovered about yourself. Take notes – leave breadcrumbs so you can find your way back to this simpler life. On the night before you leave your retreat, take some time to reflect on (and even record) some of the insights you gained during your retreat.

What would you like to take back with you? Maybe you ate home-made meals on retreat and you’d like to continue that practice at home. Maybe you slept for a full 8 hours each night. On one retreat, I discovered a simpler way to keep track of my work projects that I jotted down and implemented as soon as I got home. If you reflect, you can almost always find a seed of truth that you want to take home with you.

Take your time settling back in, even giving yourself a few days home with no commitments to ease back in. This allows even further integration of the pace of retreats and helps you slow your real life down to a healthier pace.

Is it time?

I know this is a long article. If you made it this far, perhaps a retreat is calling to you? What would it take for you to take the leap?

This post is one of a 4-part series on retreats. To read the rest, visit the links below:

Part 1: Laughs, Tears, and Rodents with Fancy Tails
Part 2: Get More Done by Not Doing Anything
Part 3: How the Retreat Really Went
Part 4: Is Your Spirit Tank on Empty? 10 steps to your retreat

This has been a week in which my best intentions were thwarted, and I received feedback from a couple of trustworthy sources that I wasn’t “on my game.” Email was part of it, but I also gave out the wrong time for a class, failed to prepare properly for a meeting, and spent too much time working on stuff that wasn’t all that important.

Stressful? You bet.

My high standards are where the problem started. When I made my first flub of the week, the little Gremlin of Self-Judgment perched on my shoulder and whispered some not-very-nice things about me.

When I made my second flub, the whisper became a stern repartee.

It only got worse from there. I mean, seriously! I was counting my errors! By the end of the week, I was buried in self-judgment, exhausted, and feeling rather insecure about my competence as a business owner.

Thank God I’m normal.

If people I admire didn’t tell me they have weeks just like this, I would be really scared. But I know it’s normal.

If anything, making a few gaffes this week illustrates how far I’ve come as a cluttered creative person. I used to forget things daily. I was constantly late, making excuses and tearfully begging forgiveness. My teachers never knew how to grade me at the end of a semester because (although I participated enthusiastically in class) I’d never turned in any homework.

I have come a long way.

What trips me up

When I start forgetting things, I use it against myself. As evidence.

That nasty gremlin is out to prove that I’ll always be that disorganized girl. It says, “You think you’re so organized, we’ll just see, shall we?!”

And then I make another mistake. “See?? Ha! Ha! You ARE the same person you’ve always been! You’ll never be organized!” And then I make even more mistakes.

Ugh.

Ever been there? It totally sucks.

What I do (and maybe you might like to try too)

The other day, I had a nice talk with my wonderful, sensitive uncle and friend — who also happens to facilitate non-violent communication (NVC) groups. Uncle Tim caught me off guard when he used a term I’d never heard before, “self-empathy”. When he said it, little bells rang gleefully inside my heart.

Self-empathy!

I don’t know how the official NVC technique works, but yesterday when I “caught” myself making a mistake and entertaining that nasty gremlin, I took a deep breath — and this is what I said to myself:

“Jen, you are having a hard week. You’re feeling badly about not showing up the way you want to with people you really love. You’re feeling really embarrassed for missing connections and for giving incorrect information. It’s okay to feel sad and embarrassed and disappointed.

“You’re human. It’s okay to make mistakes and not to be perfect. You are doing the best you can right now. I want to remind you that your heart is in the right place. Forgive yourself for making these ‘errors’. Don’t let your past determine your future, okay? You can start fresh, right now. You are a good human being and I love you.”

I wiped away a few tears, took a deep breath… and sat for a while with a nice cup of tea. It was such a different way of talking with myself, and I could feel peace settling into my heart, where doubt and anxiety had been.

Compassion is a powerful tool for creating order

What I am slowly discovering is that the more compassionate I am with myself, the more productive I am. It sounds anti-intuitive, but judgment makes my spirit shrivel up and escalates stress. When I am compassionate with myself, I feel free. I have choices and see opportunities to adjust my actions creatively.

Of course, this is about organizing, but it’s also more than that. The truth is, no amount of order creates happiness. Only you can create happiness. So, while you’re on the path to becoming more organized and less cluttered, why not offer yourself the compassion and self-empathy you crave — and so rightly deserve?

Thoughts? Yeah, buts? Me toos?