Got clutter that’s not yours?

If you live or work with someone who’s disorganized, you’re miserable around her sometimes. You also realize that she’s pretty miserable too. Clutter is frustrating for everyone.

People ask me this a lot: How do I get her to change?

My answer: You can’t.

She probably needs help. And you might think that you’re helping by offering suggestions. Maybe you pick it up for her. Or sneakily throw stuff away when she’s not looking. Or nag. Or issue ultimatums. Or even beg.

To be honest, we all do these things in an attempt to get an uncomfortable situation to change. They’re all strategies that supposedly make different choices. You can absolutely try all of these things, but they just don’t work.

The nature of change

The truth is, you can’t change someone. You can coerce, cajole, and nag, but you can’t really force change onto someone. Change is an inside job — and even that hardly works! Think about the last time you resolved to change a habit. Every time I do, it’s a lesson in humility.

Change is hard. And slow. If we can hardly get ourselves to change, it’s even less successful when it’s another person.

Why attempts to change others don’t work

Attempting to change someone else almost always backfires. People have an automatic, ingrained response to someone attempting to change them. I’ll bet you can guess what that automatic response is.

When you try to get someone to clean up her clutter (read: change), she resists. She pushes back. Or she avoids the issue and hides it. In other words, nothing gets resolved. What’s worse, you damage the trust in your relationship.

Don’t suck it up

Living or working with someone who is cluttered isn’t a cake walk. It’s hard, disruptive, and stressful. It’s hard for you personally, and it’s hard to see someone you care about struggle.

You probably have some good intentions at heart by wanting to help make it better. You may also be sending the unintended message that she’s wrong or bad for doing things the way she does.

It’s important to take care of yourself. If you have a space where you can close the door, this is a good thing. You get a reprieve. This isn’t the final solution, however.

Some unexpected, practical suggestions

The one thing you can do that will help is offer acceptance. Nothing creates an environment more ripe for change than this. In fact, acceptance is a core value of Inspired Home Office. When a person feels deeply accepted as they are, that is the moment when lasting change becomes possible.

Your role, as someone who loves and lives with a cluttered person, is to communicate to her that she is accepted as they are — imperfect and beautiful. By changing how you interact with her, it becomes safe for her to start making her own changes.

It sounds crazy, but in my years of working on this issue, acceptance is the tool I use again and again. It works.

Acceptance in action

If you want to try acceptance, the following suggestions are ideas for practicing it:

• Find a part of her that you love and accept without question. Like her good heart. Or her laugh. Think of some of the qualities she has that you admire. Share this with her without ‘buts.’

• Use humor. I have an annoying habit (according to Inspired Spouse) of removing plastic bread tags and leaving them on the kitchen counter. (Oh, if that were my only annoying habit!). One day, I was fishing through my purse and found three of those bread tags at the bottom. I laughed out loud — and I got the point! If you’re using humor, check your intention. Be sure it’s clean and not intended to jab or criticize. Used well, humor can diffuse stress and encourage creative solutions.

• Share how specific kinds of clutter impact you — without blame. Share your truth without expecting anything to change. It’s especially helpful if you share your feelings. For example, you could say, “When I see your desk, I feel helpless, frustrated, and overwhelmed.”

• Refrain from judgment. It’s tempting to think that you could do thing better than she can. Unfortunately, putting yourself in the role of judge can be a set-up for the judged. Instead, keep an open mind that there are more solutions available than you know of. Be open to the idea that this person might need very different organizing systems from you. Be curious about her.

• Ask what she needs — and listen. Although you may think you already know what she needs and how to fix things, listening non-judgmentally is profoundly healing. Listening can heal some of the conflict between you (if there has been any) and dissolve the judgement. It builds trust and it helps her feel supported.

• Ask how you can support her. Instead of being an adversary, let her know that you’d be willing to help if she asked (if this is really  true for you). Cluttered people often feel very lonely and helpless (even though they are quite capable). Offering assistance can help her find the courage to begin to address her disorganization.

• Find an outlet for your frustration. If the clutter is really getting to you and change isn’t happening, talk to someone about it. You need empathy and listening too. Bottled up hostility don’t help improve a situation.

Of course, if you do any of these things with the express intention of changing the person, it will backfire. By refraining from judgement and becoming an ally to the cluttered person, you’re creating a safe environment where change can become possible where it wasn’t before.

I wish you blessings on this journey. Feel free to comment below!

2 comments

Money woes are rampant these days and everyone I know is doing circus-quality juggling of work, life, kids, family, and precious little self-care time. Overwhelm reigns.

In the midst of our collective stress, pausing mid-week for “thanks” rings false. Just ick. Like a syrupy-sweet greeting card complete with fuzzy-focused hearth fire and cornucopia nearby.

If being thankful feels forced to you right now, it’s okay. You’re not alone. In fact, you’ve got lots and lots of company.

Gratitude logjam

When you get stuck, even with something like gratitude, one of the best things you can do is start small. Like, really small.

For example, here are some of the small things I’m grateful for:

• A headset that actually works (Plantronics, if you’re wondering)
• Running water
• The big bag of string cheese in the fridge
• Gmail
• Sweatpants
• allrecipes.com
• The trash hauler who works our stretch of rural highway

I could have listed bigger things, but these are what feel true today, right now. Locating a small amount of gratitude within you is like finding a vein of gold in the earth – it runs deep. But you don’t have to *start* deep. Just start where you are.

If you say, “I’m so overwhelmed right now, I don’t feel grateful for anything. Just my lungs.” That’s okay. In fact, it’s perfect. Just start with that.

The thing about gratitude.

Most people experience gratitude as effortful – as something you “should” feel. Something you must pull out of yourself. Forcing thanks feels like cold extruded plastic instead of a comforting cotton-silk blend.

Honest, genuine gratitude nourishes your heart. It gives you energy, rather than extracting it from you.

Instead of forcing yourself to feel grateful, I invite you to consider starting where you are.

Is there a small thing you feel grateful for today (even if you think it’s something not worth mentioning)?

21 comments

Learning the gentle art of retreat

From your enthusiastic and heartfelt emails about the squirrel in my truck, I could tell that the topic touched a nerve. Apparently, I have a lot of overwhelmed readers who are in good company.

Simply put: you’re busy. You have a million commitments to your work, your family, your community, your inbox… not to mention the fact that you’re trying to keep it all balanced and maybe have a little fun from time to time.

So I wanted to make space in this Juicy Gems to share how to meet that need for retreat.

Resistance

Although you might think people would feel enthusiastic about taking a reprieve, most don’t. When they acknowledge how truly tired they feel, most people try to ignore it. It often feels overwhelming and even frightening to consider taking a break.

So instead of meeting that deep need, we make up reasons why we shouldn’t, can’t, don’t have time, don’t have money, etc. Indeed, there isn’t a lot of time or money to spare in most households today. You do have commitments and obligations to meet. But what’s the real cost to you?

What do you really gain in the long run by denying yourself the space and time you truly need?

At the heart of the matter

I believe that there nothing more important than nourishing your heart-spirit. Nothing. You weren’t born to be a slave to your work or your duties. You were born to live.

If you look in nature, you’ll see busy birds work at their nests, gathering food, raising young – and yet they also sit, fat and happy in a sunbeam, and sing for the sheer joy of it. Even our resident hummingbirds, the most active bird on the planet, sit in the tops of trees and just look around for whole minutes at a time.

Photo credit: Marc Langille – www.marclangille.com

If they can, can’t you?

It’s an inside job

The biggest challenge isn’t deciding what you’ll do with your retreat time. The biggest leap for most people (including me) is actually agreeing to do it. So, I’d like to offer 3 suggestions that might make that process easier.

- Set your intention

In a quiet moment, ask yourself: What kind of retreat do I really need?

And listen inside of you for messages from your heart. Images. Sensations. Just notice if anything comes up – and trust it.

If you feel the urge to squash the first things that come up, don’t. Be gentle with yourself.

Over a period of a few moments or even several days, allow yourself to dream up your idea of what a retreat might look like. Maybe it includes other people, or maybe not. Maybe it’s in your home, or away from it. Maybe it involves activity, or maybe doing nothing at all.

You get to decide. Dream a little.

- Create the space

Once you have a clear idea of what it is you want, then create the space in your life to have it.

About a month ago, I decided I needed a get-away-from-everything retreat at the end of this month. I haven’t done this in over 2 years and it felt like a huge leap.

• Commitments: In order to clear the space in my life, I spoke with and asked permission from more than a half-dozen people. Inspired Spouse, co-workers, business buddies, clients, etc. 10, to be exact. Some of them, multiple times. It was a little scary to be clear with them about how I needed their support and help, but asking them helped make space.

• Finances: I had to check my budget and make sure I could swing time off from work and spend money on my retreat. I was able to negotiate a discount on my accommodations. This made space in my finances.

• Calendar: I looked at my calendar again and again to make sure I hadn’t forgotten to close a loop or follow up on something. It took about a week to work out the details.

The good news? After all this clearing, I’ve made space for a whole week off next week. I’ll be completely unplugged. I’ll be spending 4 days at an abbey – a totally new experience for me. I can’t tell you how freeing this feels.

- Commit

Once you have an intention and you’ve made space to retreat, put it on your calendar (or however you remind yourself).

When possible conflicts arise beforehand, you may find yourself struggling to keep your time a priority. You may be expected to put others first, or work, or school. Practice holding the space open for yourself. It can be a stretch, but your heart-spirit is worth the effort.

Yo, Jen. What does this have to do with organizing?

A valid question. : )

The way I see it, when your heart and spirit are nourished, you can do anything you set your mind to. Work becomes easier. Creativity flows. Relationships blossom. Nourishing yourself makes everything possible… including having an inspired home office.

Everyone needs time to replenish. And if you’re still not convinced, think of how much more focused and relaxed you’ll feel when you return.

If you’re inclined, I’d love your positive thoughts and prayers while I’m on retreat next week.

This post is one of a 4-part series on retreats. To read the rest, visit the links below:

Part 1: Laughs, Tears, and Rodents with Fancy Tails
Part 2: Get More Done by Not Doing Anything
Part 3: How the Retreat Really Went
Part 4: Is Your Spirit Tank on Empty? 10 steps to your retreat

What would be your idea of a truly soul-nourishing retreat?

7 comments

Even when it’s change you want!

Have you ever made a significant change in your workspace? Are you thinking about one?

Whether you’re dreaming about getting a new computer, setting up a website, or rearranging the location of your desk – there is change on your horizon.

Change is good – it means you’re learning and growing your business.

A little nerdy factoid for you: the Latin root of the word “change” is “to barter.” In other words, when you make a change in your workspace, there’s bound to be some negotiating – and it’s mostly an “inside job.”

Who’s bartering for your attention?

When you begin an effort to change something, there is a side of you that liked the old, familiar way of doing things. It has needs that, if addressed, will make the transition easier. And the side of you that’s excited about the future possibilities will also have needs. That’s just how it goes.

If you were to tell one of those two sides “suck it up” – it can make adjusting to the change a lot harder. Imagine how a conversation like that might go with a loved one (I’m guessing not very well). So, be gentle with yourself and your needs when you’re going through a change.

You might have noticed that once you decide to make a change in your workspace that there’s a feeling of momentum and energy behind it. You might feel excited and want to stop everything and set it up as soon as you think of it.

The trick is to use this momentum to your advantage.

Feeling stuck instead of psyched?

If you want to change something about your office or business processes – and you don’t feel momentum, make a mental note of this. If you feel draggy or apathetic, that’s really okay. It’s even normal. The steps below will help you discover what’s missing and the apathy will dissolve.

3 steps that disarm resistance

1. Think about where you want to end up.

Think about a change you want to make in your workspace that will have a positive impact on your business and how you feel in your workspace.

Write or think about what impact the change will have on your work experience. How will you benefit from making it? How will your office feel once you do? How will you feel?

2. What are the challenges you face when it comes to making this change?

You might have time constraints or financial ones. You might be resistant to learning something new. You may feel like you don’t have enough information or support to take the next step.

3. Decide what your next step will be.

Remember those needs I mentioned? Now’s a great time to give them some thought. To make the transition smoother for you, what do you need? Once you know this, you can create a plan.

If you’re the kind of person that likes to write out all the steps, go for it. But if you can’t see very far ahead, that’s okay too. Figure out what your very next step will be, and take it.

Care to comment?