This has been a week in which my best intentions were thwarted, and I received feedback from a couple of trustworthy sources that I wasn’t “on my game.” Email was part of it, but I also gave out the wrong time for a class, failed to prepare properly for a meeting, and spent too much time working on stuff that wasn’t all that important.

Stressful? You bet.

My high standards are where the problem started. When I made my first flub of the week, the little Gremlin of Self-Judgment perched on my shoulder and whispered some not-very-nice things about me.

When I made my second flub, the whisper became a stern repartee.

It only got worse from there. I mean, seriously! I was counting my errors! By the end of the week, I was buried in self-judgment, exhausted, and feeling rather insecure about my competence as a business owner.

Thank God I’m normal.

If people I admire didn’t tell me they have weeks just like this, I would be really scared. But I know it’s normal.

If anything, making a few gaffes this week illustrates how far I’ve come as a cluttered creative person. I used to forget things daily. I was constantly late, making excuses and tearfully begging forgiveness. My teachers never knew how to grade me at the end of a semester because (although I participated enthusiastically in class) I’d never turned in any homework.

I have come a long way.

What trips me up

When I start forgetting things, I use it against myself. As evidence.

That nasty gremlin is out to prove that I’ll always be that disorganized girl. It says, “You think you’re so organized, we’ll just see, shall we?!”

And then I make another mistake. “See?? Ha! Ha! You ARE the same person you’ve always been! You’ll never be organized!” And then I make even more mistakes.

Ugh.

Ever been there? It totally sucks.

What I do (and maybe you might like to try too)

The other day, I had a nice talk with my wonderful, sensitive uncle and friend — who also happens to facilitate non-violent communication (NVC) groups. Uncle Tim caught me off guard when he used a term I’d never heard before, “self-empathy”. When he said it, little bells rang gleefully inside my heart.

Self-empathy!

I don’t know how the official NVC technique works, but yesterday when I “caught” myself making a mistake and entertaining that nasty gremlin, I took a deep breath — and this is what I said to myself:

“Jen, you are having a hard week. You’re feeling badly about not showing up the way you want to with people you really love. You’re feeling really embarrassed for missing connections and for giving incorrect information. It’s okay to feel sad and embarrassed and disappointed.

“You’re human. It’s okay to make mistakes and not to be perfect. You are doing the best you can right now. I want to remind you that your heart is in the right place. Forgive yourself for making these ‘errors’. Don’t let your past determine your future, okay? You can start fresh, right now. You are a good human being and I love you.”

I wiped away a few tears, took a deep breath… and sat for a while with a nice cup of tea. It was such a different way of talking with myself, and I could feel peace settling into my heart, where doubt and anxiety had been.

Compassion is a powerful tool for creating order

What I am slowly discovering is that the more compassionate I am with myself, the more productive I am. It sounds anti-intuitive, but judgment makes my spirit shrivel up and escalates stress. When I am compassionate with myself, I feel free. I have choices and see opportunities to adjust my actions creatively.

Of course, this is about organizing, but it’s also more than that. The truth is, no amount of order creates happiness. Only you can create happiness. So, while you’re on the path to becoming more organized and less cluttered, why not offer yourself the compassion and self-empathy you crave — and so rightly deserve?

Thoughts? Yeah, buts? Me toos?

Names.

I dread those grocery-store moments. We’ve already locked eyes. A greeting is imminent. And my heart starts to thud because I have no idea what the person’s name is.

Having lived in Salem for 12 years and having held numerous jobs in which I met hundreds of new people every year, forgetting names and personal details is bound to happen. I feel added pressure, however, because some of those people are past clients who’ve hired me at Inspired Home Office.

At an inauguration party last year, I ran into a wonderful woman I recognized (and good thing – as I had worked with her in her home for several months), I just couldn’t remember her name. In fact, twice that night, I introduced her to others by the wrong name – and didn’t realize it until I’d gotten home later. Oh, the embarassment.

You can see why I go to such lengths to avoid the pain of making such a personal mistake. Most of us do!

Here’s what I do remember names

• Rely on synesthetic information - I have a fun and crazy brain thing called synesthesia – in which I perceive all the letters of the alphabet to have a color. In other words, the letter “j”, to me is pink. If a person’s name starts with the letter “m”, usually the whole name is also blue. Inspired Spouse thinks this is a neato-fun party trick. Synesthesia is pretty handy for remembering names because I remember the color better than the name. Odd. But fun.
• Repetition - When I meet people, especially if it’s someone I’m likely to meet again, I ask them to repeat their name for me. I ask how they spell their name. I say it again if possible during our conversation. At gatherings, I’ll go around the room and (to myself) say each person’s name. My test is to see how many people I can say goodbye to by name.

• Writing it down - At meetings, I’ll draw a little seating chart and write the names of everyone present as they introduce themselves. Even if I already know them well – sometimes I totally blank. I ask for business cards and write details on the back to help me remember more about them. When I teach in-person classes, I use name tags or table tents so their name is visible.
• Stories - People love to talk about themselves and I’m genuinely curious. So if a person has an interesting name – and we have a little time to talk – I ask them to tell me the story of their name. Not only do I learn something often personal and tender about them, but this also gives me repetition, synesthetic info, and a story – which is a lot more to go on if I ever meet them in the grocery store.

Here’s what I’m working on

• Recovery – If I draw a total blank on a name, I will usually default to my smiling, open self, apologize, and ask for a refresher. I sometimes ask for details about how we know each other. Usually, once I have enough context, I remember lots of things about the person. I just have to be patient with myself while I’m catching up.

• Forgiveness - When I thought up this post, I thought it would be cute and fun, but I’m realizing that I have a lot of shame (and evidently high expectations of myself) that I don’t remember names easily. Being gentle with myself is probably the hardest thing of all, but I’m getting there. I’m human. We all are.

What do YOU do that helps you remember names?

Your turn! If you’d like, please share what you’re doing that helps you remember names – and also something that you’re working on/experimenting with.

Your comments on your own process are welcome. Just remember to give advice to me or others only when it’s specifically requested. This makes exploring safe and learning possible for every reader.

Forgot an appointment?

I did. This morning. With my awesome, amazing, quirky, totally-integruous CPA and friend, Dale Kennedy.

Dale’s my Dad-away-from-Dad. He talks sense to me about planning and money in his inimitable humorous, ADD way. He peppers me with questions – and I’d better be on my toes with good answers. He cracks me up but he means business – and I’m touched that he’s genuinely interested in how I and my business are doing. Every time I see him he asks me, “Have you read Rich Dad, Poor Dad yet?”

I love this guy. I never knew an accountant could be so fun. So real. So human.

Dale is busy, but he made an informal breakfast appointment with me just to catch up at one of my favorite restaurants.

The glitch.

I’ve been on the edge of stress lately and, without checking my calendar, I gave myself permission this morning to stay in bed with my coffee and read. A mental health hour.

I felt sooo soothed and nurtured by this little pocket of time for myself.

If you’re paying attention, you’ll have caught the glitch above: I didn’t check my calendar. I usually check tomorrow’s calendar in the evening to avoid this very situation. But I didn’t.

I also ignored that little niggle in my stomach while I sipped my coffee that said, “Are you sure you have nothing scheduled this morning?”

At 8:15, I sat down at my calendar and the reality hit me: I was already 15 minutes late – and a half-hour’s drive from our meeting place. I said aloud, “[Expletive]!” And then, “[Stream of expletives]!”

And then I called Dale.

Forgiveness: the moral of the story

The first thing he said to me was, and I quote, “Be at peace.” Seriously. I was so stressed and worried that I offended him – and I felt so badly imagining him sitting by himself at the restaurant – and he tells me to be at peace.

Dear reader, this time the lesson’s on me. While I’m constantly talking about offering yourself compassion for mistakes, this time Dale gave it to me instead. When he could have been justifiably irate. I’m humbled and grateful.

Big thanks to Dale. I hope his “found” 45 minutes were relaxing and productive.

The bonus lesson

One of my twitter buddies said to me this morning, “No one trusts a perfectly organized organizer!”

I guess this makes me trustworthy.

No matter how mortified I feel about missing my breakfast with Dale, the truth is we all forget stuff. Even me. We are all busy, distracted, and trying to make our way the best we can.

We’re all also learning as we go. You’re learning, I’m learning.

My bonus lesson from this is to listen to my intuition. It’s usually right.

What’s your bonus lesson?

Do you remember the last time you took a walk in the woods?

Maybe you can recall the quality of the light, the views and scenes that passed you, the kinds of plants and trees along the way, or the companions who accompanied you. There’s something meditative about the woods.

Practically speaking, most people find that a walk in the woods is fairly easy to do. You simply choose a place to begin and then start walking. It’s so obvious how to take a walk in the woods that it hardly seems worthwhile to explain it.

You just start.

You don’t worry about step 247 or bridge number 2 or the fourth squirrel. You just walk.

Organizing is like that too.

Organizing is just like a walk in the woods. You begin. You take a single step forward – and another – and another, pausing occasionally to take in the sights.

Except when it isn’t.

Unlike walking in the woods, people do get stressed about where to put things (step 247) or how to deal with email (bridge number 2) or dealing with time management (the fourth squirrel). When you worry about these things, it’s as though you’re standing stock still in the middle of the path with your eyes closed.

You can’t get there any faster by thinking so hard.

Just take a step.

Depending on the length of your legs, a single step happens in about a half-second. Is there something you can you do in your space today that would take a half-second?

The idea isn’t to get to the end of the trail in one fell swoop. Your legs aren’t that long – and neither is your attention span.

Maybe, just maybe, you’d be willing to take a “walk” through your workspace today, taking half-second actions to move what you can.

That fourth squirrel will appear when it’s supposed to and no amount of thinking will make it come faster.

Enjoy your walk.

There are some who say that email is dead. Obsolete.

Bah, I say! Email is alive and well. And growing, if the current state of my inbox is any indication.

It’s my intention to not let email run my life. I want to choose it instead of feeling controlled by it.

Here is how I prevent email overwhelm

What works well:

I give myself permission to not reply to everything. Even delete stuff without replying.

I sort out the non-urgent stuff without having to look at it. I set up filters and folders in my Gmail account which has been a lifesaver.

I use a vacation responder on the weekends. It tells anyone who emails me when I’ll be back. That way I’m absolved of the guilty feelings I get when I know someone is waiting for a reply.

As a general rule, I clear out my inbox weekly. I read email more frequently than that, but a mostly empty inbox is my goal once per week.

Lastly, I have an email account that is bottomless. Gmail lets me “archive” as many emails as I want so I don’t have to get rid of them, ever.

What I’m working on

Easing up. Email is often a somewhat helpful distraction when I’m trying to think up ideas. Instead of berating myself for checking email when I don’t need to, I’m getting better at being gentle with myself.

Starting at the end. Since my goal is to clear out once per week, I have begun responding first to the people who’ve waited the longest. This takes a HUGE load off my shoulders. It’s just hard to do because the new email always seems more fun and interesting to me.

What do YOU do to prevent email overwhelm?

What works really well for you? What are you working on?

Share your organizing insights and ideas! Remember to be kind to yourself and others.

75% of Inspired Home Office newsletter readers say their #1 problem is clutter.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by clutter, take solace in the knowledge that you’re not alone and in very good company (people who read the newsletter are awesome).

However, solace alone isn’t enough to dissolve your overwhelm, right? And the clutter doesn’t go away on its own. You’ve probably noticed that.

The downside of “kicking yourself into gear”

The downside? It hurts! Kicking is ouchy.

Instead of feeling guilty, frustrated, and trying to kick yourself about your clutter, how about trying a gentle, non-violent process that honors all of you – and still gets results?

I offer to you a non-traditional way to work through clutter. Follow the steps below.

Where is the clutter?

Look around your space and zero in on where the clutter is and what it is. Is it a box? Some piles? A piece of furniture full of magazines? Is it everywhere? Just notice.

What does it mean to you?

Take a moment to look at one area that’s really bugging you. Chances are good that the stuff there holds some emotional significance.

When you look at the clutter, notice: what emotions come up for you? Maybe you feel overwhelm, or resentment, or apathy, or confusion. Or something else. Can you tell what you’re feeling? Give that feeling a name.

Open up to the feeling

Lots of people think that moving the clutter will make their feelings go away. Sometimes this works. Sometimes it’s more loving and respectful to feel the feeling first and take action after.

Once you have named the feeling, make some space in you to feel what comes up. Let it be okay that you feel this way. Emotions are good and they give us useful information.

What does it remind you of?

Stuff hold memories.

I worked with a client recently who had several boxes of things that belonged to a beloved family member. Although she didn’t like the cluttered boxes, she realized that she still felt grief over the loss of this special person. This is what the “clutter” reminded her of.

Another woman realized that the clutter in her office reminded her that her husband had “taken over the house” after he retired. Her feelings were about the clutter and also her loss of space and control. Big stuff.

So, I invite you to gently inquire if the stuff you have reminds you of something unresolved. It’s okay if it doesn’t. But ask. It might be helpful information.

You might have more emotions. That’s okay and totally normal. Just let yourself feel whatever comes up.

Ask yourself what you need.

This is the most important question at Inspired Home Office: What do you need? If you have clutter, if you have feelings, if they remind you of something, ask: what is it that I need?

When you ask yourself this question, trust. Trust what comes up for you. Give this process some time and really listen. You might even want to write the words down.

Asking this question will give you better ideas because, in the end, no one knows how to care for you better than you do.

Think about how you’d like to meet that need.

Once you get a tiny idea about what you need, begin to think about how you might like to create it. Take some small steps. Reach out for support.

Repeat.

Yes, repeat. This is because clutter will continue flowing into your space. Clutter is a lot like leaves in autumn. Leaves fall and scatter, so we rake them up. Spring and summer create more leaves, and then they fall again. So we rake them up.

There’s nothing unnatural about that. That’s just how nature is. It’s the same with clutter. Paper. Email. We can spend a little time paying attention to it, asking some insightful questions, and the way to rake them up appears.

Doesn’t that sound nice?

Why these steps work

Usually clutter exists for more complex reasons than we realize.

This process creates space for the whole story instead of treating clutter like The Problem. After working with me for a while, some people report that the clutter just doesn’t come back. And they feel peaceful about the stuff that does appear. So cool!

When I work with people 1-on-1, I use the very same process with them and it works magic. The discovery in this process can feel exciting. The amazing part is that people really do get excited about cleaning and decluttering. And so can you.

The non-violent process is organic and can meet your need for a clear space in a way no “handy organizing tips” ever could.

Give it a try, and let me know how it goes.

If you look around you in overwhelm at the stuff that’s still on your desk from who-knows-when, take solace.

Sometimes that stuff is there because it’s comforting. It might even help you feel like you have a handle on things better than if it were all tucked invisibly away. This physical stuff can help you feel grounded – even if it’s more than you really want around you all the time.

There’s a beautiful thing at work when you keep clutter around you this way.

Stuff – it’s self-care. It’s compassion.

In a world that can sometimes seem hostile and overwhelming, it can be comforting to return to the familiar of your stuff. You can see it. It’s real. And it’s yours.

You’re waiting for the “but,” right?

Don’t be surprised that there isn’t a “but.”

If having your stuff around you makes you feel safer, I applaud you for finding a little peace in this life. A lot of people don’t.

If you make neat little piles of things because you need to feel some kind of control in life, good for you. This is beautiful. It’s self-care.

If you print things very sparingly, using the both sides of all your papers, aware of the environmental impact of using tree-based products. This helps you feel like you’re making a difference. Brava to you.

There’s nothing wrong with any of this.

Even if you’re embarrassed about how your office looks or the way you do things, I want to tell you now: they’re perfect. You’re perfect – because you’re doing your best to care for yourself.

Compassion. Acceptance. We all need it.

The trouble starts when you judge your behaviors with a mean and critical eye.

You look at the stuff around you and The Committee chimes in with their interpretation of your shortcomings, foibles, and failures. “You should be this,” and “You should do that.” They’re a bossy bunch, aren’t they?

What gives?

Let me tell you: There isn’t a single “should” in organizing. You don’t have to use those ugly manila folders. You don’t have to get rid of that pile (or roomful) of receipts. You don’t have to sit in an uncomfortable chair all day.

The Committee might want you to heed their cautions, but the truth is: you’re the boss of your land. You’re the CEO. You get to decide what feels good and right to you, no matter how raucous The Committee is.

What to do with The Committee

Believe it or not, The Committee of opinionated folk has a job to do: protect you. They want to make sure you’re safe.

Sometimes, the information they give you is out of date. Often, it was relevant to you when you were younger, but now you’re a big ol’ grownup with a business and a passion.

Things to try:

Here are some great ways to honor the message, without letting it destroy you.

1. Notice self-judgment

There’s no need to stuff it down. Instead of taking it on and self-loathing too, practice neutrally observing those messages.

2. Express gratitude

These voices have something important to share, so acknowledge the message and its intention. Thank this part of you for speaking up and let it know you’ll take it under advisement.

3. Do what feels right to you

There’s no reason to be a captive to your self-judgments. Be your own CEO. Ask yourself, “What would bring me more peace?” and “What would the most loving thing?” Trust what comes up and then do that thing. Even if it means changing nothing.

Have you ever made a significant change in your workspace? Are you thinking about one?

Whether you’re dreaming about getting a new computer, setting up a website, or rearranging the location of your desk – there is change on your horizon.

Change is good – it means you’re learning and growing your business.

A little nerdy factoid for you: the Latin root of the word “change” is “to barter.” In other words, when you make a change in your workspace, there’s bound to be some negotiating – and it’s mostly an “inside job.”

Who’s bartering for your attention?

When you begin an effort to change something, there is a side of you that liked the old, familiar way of doing things. It has needs that, if addressed, will make the transition easier. And the side of you that’s excited about the future possibilities will also have needs. That’s just how it goes.

If you were to tell one of those two sides “suck it up” – it can make adjusting to the change a lot harder. Imagine how a conversation like that might go with a loved one (I’m guessing not very well). So, be gentle with yourself and your needs when you’re going through a change.

You might have noticed that once you decide to make a change in your workspace that there’s a feeling of momentum and energy behind it. You might feel excited and want to stop everything and set it up as soon as you think of it.

The trick is to use this momentum to your advantage.

Feeling stuck instead of psyched?

If you want to change something about your office or business processes – and you don’t feel momentum, make a mental note of this. If you feel draggy or apathetic, that’s really okay. It’s even normal. The steps below will help you discover what’s missing and the apathy will dissolve.

3 steps that disarm resistance

1. Think about where you want to end up.

Think about a change you want to make in your workspace that will have a positive impact on your business and how you feel in your workspace.

Write or think about what impact the change will have on your work experience. How will you benefit from making it? How will your office feel once you do? How will you feel?

2. What are the challenges you face when it comes to making this change?

You might have time constraints or financial ones. You might be resistant to learning something new. You may feel like you don’t have enough information or support to take the next step.

3. Decide what your next step will be.

Remember those needs I mentioned? Now’s a great time to give them some thought. To make the transition smoother for you, what do you need? Once you know this, you can create a plan.

If you’re the kind of person that likes to write out all the steps, go for it. But if you can’t see very far ahead, that’s okay too. Figure out what your very next step will be, and take it.

You notice the display at Office Big Box has furniture that look so organized and tidy.

You drool over the latest office feature in Martha’s magazine that looks so adorably perky.

The green-eyed monster has moved into your office and has taken over whatever semblance of  confidence you may have had.

How’d that happen?

It’s natural to look around you for solutions – especially if you’re stuck or dissatisfied with something in your life. And while searching for ideas and inspiration is great, it’s downright depressing to look at how others do it and compare theirs to yours.

“That’s so expensive, I don’t have that kind of money to spend.”
“That looks impossibly neat, I could never keep my office as clean as she does.”
“My office isn’t that big, I don’t have anywhere to put anything!”
“I’ve got so much paper and stuff, I could never get my office to look like that.”

Do these comments sound depressingly familiar?

Or, worst of all, there’s:

Thank God no one sees my office.

Comparison, unveiled.

When you compare, you see differences. And they keep you stuck. Comparison can make you feel badly about how your office looks, your self worth, and even doubt whether you’re an effective business owner. Comparison can become a downward spiral of self-doubt and self-loathing.

If you feel some of those terrible feelings about yourself or your office, you’re not alone.

The answers aren’t out there. They’re in here.

If you’re struggling to put order and beauty in your workspace, I want to let you in on a secret: the key is inside you.

You can look at a million websites for ideas and read dozens of books about organizing, but all that information will not change how your office looks or feels. I’ll bet you already know that.

If you’re looking outside of yourself for answers, you’re missing out on a valuable resource: your own wisdom.

Self-defining vs. comparison

All those people you were comparing yourself to? They all had something in common:

• Your best buddy knew what she wanted.
• The Office Big Box furniture designers knew what they wanted.
• That Martha Stewart – she knew what she wanted (doesn’t she always?).

It’s not like they all had some magic formula that you can’t access. Each of them had a vision – and then they created it in real life.

Find your vision

To banish the green-eyed monster and gain back your workspace mojo, here are 3 practical steps to take:

1. Ask yourself what you want.

What is it you need to work peacefully in your office? No matter how far from it you may feel, write it down or draw a picture of it – and describe it in as much detail as possible.

The purpose of doing this is to forge a clear idea of what your perfect office is like. When you see ideas in magazines, they become tools rather than deterrents to your progress.

2. Figure out what your parameters are.

What’s your budget, space needs, storage needs, etc. This puts your vision into real-life perspective.

3. Start taking small steps toward your vision.

Once you’re clear, the best thing to do is take action. Sitting on your hands will just make you frustrated. What’s one small thing you can accomplish toward your vision? What’s a tiny thing you can do today?

The important thing is to focus on small steps, because they add up. And they’re so much more compassionate.

“Ahhh, grasshoppah,” I replied. Organizing is like the seasons – there are messy phases and neat phases. Fruitful creative times and replenishment phases. Unrelenting productivity is unrealistic.

I started realizing that it’s really hard to get excited about organizing your office if you’re dog tired, burned out, and snarky. And I took this to heart and made the following three discoveries:

Replenishment must come first.

The belief that soul-sustaining activities are optional is a blind spot for many people – and a painful one. Take a moment and ask yourself – what have I been putting off that I deeply need?

A participant in my Inspired Organizing class had a huge epiphany last week when she realized that painting isn’t optional for her. Painting is the breath of her life – and nothing is more fulfilling than creating beauty with her canvas and paints.

And yet, she put it on hold. For long stretches of time.

Does this sound familiar? You, me – we all think that we can only do the thing that deeply nourishes us once (and only after) we get our “have-tos” done.

Soul-sustaining activity gives you the courage and energy to do what you think you cannot.

If you start with an empty watering can, what do you have to offer the garden? If you wake each morning with a dreaded to-do list, how will you find the way internal resources to complete it all? And if you force your way through day after day, how do you feel?

Doing activities that nourish you – on a regular basis – isn’t self indulgent. It’s a critical component of a healthy life. And no one can grant permission for this but you.

Putting your soul first means you can to take on your latest project renewed and recharged. It means that you can conquer things that plague you with energy and courage. Your Interactions with people you care about are warmer and more real. This self-knowledge can change your life.

Listen for what you already know.

Listening to – and trusting – what your heart needs is the best way to replenish your soul on a day to day, moment to moment basis. The answers you need are already inside you, waiting.

When my buddy Linda said she could meet me for lunch, but I’d have to wait an additional hour before we could meet up, I could feel my chest tighten with stress.

But then I asked myself what the most nourishing choice would be. I listened to my heart instead of my fear… and chose to meet her for a delightful late lunch. Not surprisingly, it was exactly what I needed. I left feeling seen, loved, and replenished.

In other words…

Organizing is a process that takes time. Caring for yourself along the way means that you will be able to sustain your resolve until it’s really working for you.

Now. What have you been waiting to do that will fill you up?