If you live or work with someone who’s disorganized, you’re miserable around her sometimes. You also realize that she’s pretty miserable too. Clutter is frustrating for everyone.

People ask me this a lot: How do I get her to change?

My answer: You can’t.

She probably needs help. And you might think that you’re helping by offering suggestions. Maybe you pick it up for her. Or sneakily throw stuff away when she’s not looking. Or nag. Or issue ultimatums. Or even beg.

To be honest, we all do these things in an attempt to get an uncomfortable situation to change. They’re all strategies that supposedly make different choices. You can absolutely try all of these things, but they just don’t work.

The nature of change

The truth is, you can’t change someone. You can coerce, cajole, and nag, but you can’t really force change onto someone. Change is an inside job — and even that hardly works! Think about the last time you resolved to change a habit. Every time I do, it’s a lesson in humility.

Change is hard. And slow. If we can hardly get ourselves to change, it’s even less successful when it’s another person.

Why attempts to change others don’t work

Attempting to change someone else almost always backfires. People have an automatic, ingrained response to someone attempting to change them. I’ll bet you can guess what that automatic response is.

When you try to get someone to clean up her clutter (read: change), she resists. She pushes back. Or she avoids the issue and hides it. In other words, nothing gets resolved. What’s worse, you damage the trust in your relationship.

Don’t suck it up

Living or working with someone who is cluttered isn’t a cake walk. It’s hard, disruptive, and stressful. It’s hard for you personally, and it’s hard to see someone you care about struggle.

You probably have some good intentions at heart by wanting to help make it better. You may also be sending the unintended message that she’s wrong or bad for doing things the way she does.

It’s important to take care of yourself. If you have a space where you can close the door, this is a good thing. You get a reprieve. This isn’t the final solution, however.

Some unexpected, practical suggestions

The one thing you can do that will help is offer acceptance. Nothing creates an environment more ripe for change than this. In fact, acceptance is a core value of Inspired Home Office. When a person feels deeply accepted as they are, that is the moment when lasting change becomes possible.

Your role, as someone who loves and lives with a cluttered person, is to communicate to her that she is accepted as they are — imperfect and beautiful. By changing how you interact with her, it becomes safe for her to start making her own changes.

It sounds crazy, but in my years of working on this issue, acceptance is the tool I use again and again. It works.

Acceptance in action

If you want to try acceptance, the following suggestions are ideas for practicing it:

• Find a part of her that you love and accept without question. Like her good heart. Or her laugh. Think of some of the qualities she has that you admire. Share this with her without ‘buts.’

• Use humor. I have an annoying habit (according to Inspired Spouse) of removing plastic bread tags and leaving them on the kitchen counter. (Oh, if that were my only annoying habit!). One day, I was fishing through my purse and found three of those bread tags at the bottom. I laughed out loud — and I got the point! If you’re using humor, check your intention. Be sure it’s clean and not intended to jab or criticize. Used well, humor can diffuse stress and encourage creative solutions.

• Share how specific kinds of clutter impact you — without blame. Share your truth without expecting anything to change. It’s especially helpful if you share your feelings. For example, you could say, “When I see your desk, I feel helpless, frustrated, and overwhelmed.”

• Refrain from judgment. It’s tempting to think that you could do thing better than she can. Unfortunately, putting yourself in the role of judge can be a set-up for the judged. Instead, keep an open mind that there are more solutions available than you know of. Be open to the idea that this person might need very different organizing systems from you. Be curious about her.

• Ask what she needs — and listen. Although you may think you already know what she needs and how to fix things, listening non-judgmentally is profoundly healing. Listening can heal some of the conflict between you (if there has been any) and dissolve the judgement. It builds trust and it helps her feel supported.

• Ask how you can support her. Instead of being an adversary, let her know that you’d be willing to help if she asked (if this is really  true for you). Cluttered people often feel very lonely and helpless (even though they are quite capable). Offering assistance can help her find the courage to begin to address her disorganization.

• Find an outlet for your frustration. If the clutter is really getting to you and change isn’t happening, talk to someone about it. You need empathy and listening too. Bottled up hostility don’t help improve a situation.

Of course, if you do any of these things with the express intention of changing the person, it will backfire. By refraining from judgement and becoming an ally to the cluttered person, you’re creating a safe environment where change can become possible where it wasn’t before.

I wish you blessings on this journey. Feel free to comment below!

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I don’t know about you, but the beginning of September always feels bittersweet to me.

On one hand, there’s resistance to losing the warm, sunny days of summer and all the freedom that entails. On the other, there’s excitement for the back-to-school energy and focus of autumn. On a deeper level, I can feel in my bones that September 1st is the beginning of a long, slow, but inevitable slide toward the end-of-year holidays.

Instead of launching headlong into fall, this year I’m trying something I’m calling “Indian Summer for the Spirit”. To capture some of the summer insights and growth, I’m reflecting on the following questions:

• What did I learn this summer that I want to keep?
• What do I want to release from this past season?
• What am I open to creating or experiencing this autumn?

Instead of resisting the coming season and hanging on longingly for the passing one, these questions allows me to both prolong what I love about summer, create closure, and welcome the new.

Does this relate to organizing somehow?

You bet. Anything you create in your mind also has physical manifestations (papers, semi-finished projects, etc.). So on a practical level, getting clear about what you want to release means you can let go of some physical stuff along with it. For example, I have had several sticky notes on my computer about topics I want to write about. Well, I’ve written about them. So now I can let them go.

On an energetic level, when you’re clearing out the unwanted, this opens up all kinds of possibilities to you and your business. Closure is a healthy activity. Saying “no” to the things you no longer need helps you become a channel for the divine spark of inspiration and creativity.

Welcoming the new

The second thing that helps remind you of the changing season and welcome the new is to physically change something about your workspace.

Maybe you want to draw or collage images of the good things you’re anticipating for fall and hang it near your monitor. Maybe you position the desk so you have better access to the window and the remaining sunlight. Perhaps you’d like to change the background on your computer with a beautiful image which reflects the season.

What would inspire you? Is there a way that you want to adjust your space in the next few weeks to welcome the new season?

When it comes down to it…

Having an inspired workspace isn’t necessarily about having zero clutter and perfect order. In fact, that can be rather uninspiring. Instead, think about what would make you feel more comfortable, more invited, and more excited to do what you love.

What would bring to your space some of summer’s sweetness and autumn’s focus?

In the midst of our collective stress, pausing mid-week for “thanks” rings false. Just ick. Like a syrupy-sweet greeting card complete with fuzzy-focused hearth fire and cornucopia nearby.

If being thankful feels forced to you right now, it’s okay. You’re not alone. In fact, you’ve got lots and lots of company.

Gratitude logjam

When you get stuck, even with something like gratitude, one of the best things you can do is start small. Like, really small.

For example, here are some of the small things I’m grateful for:

• A headset that actually works (Plantronics, if you’re wondering)
• Running water
• The big bag of string cheese in the fridge
• Gmail
• Sweatpants
• allrecipes.com
• The trash hauler who works our stretch of rural highway

I could have listed bigger things, but these are what feel true today, right now. Locating a small amount of gratitude within you is like finding a vein of gold in the earth – it runs deep. But you don’t have to *start* deep. Just start where you are.

If you say, “I’m so overwhelmed right now, I don’t feel grateful for anything. Just my lungs.” That’s okay. In fact, it’s perfect. Just start with that.

The thing about gratitude.

Most people experience gratitude as effortful – as something you “should” feel. Something you must pull out of yourself. Forcing thanks feels like cold extruded plastic instead of a comforting cotton-silk blend.

Honest, genuine gratitude nourishes your heart. It gives you energy, rather than extracting it from you.

Instead of forcing yourself to feel grateful, I invite you to consider starting where you are.

Is there a small thing you feel grateful for today (even if you think it’s something not worth mentioning)?

With a title like this, you must think that I’ve finally gone off the deep end.

I’m in my right mind. Honest.

If you’ve been reading very long, you already know that I am a self-professed messy, creative person. The ideas I share and the concepts I teach come directly from my personal journey with creating order in my business and my life.

Well, I want to share with you a secret that I discovered along this sometimes chaotic path to soulful, inspired organization.

I stepped on the scale last week – and surprised myself!

Even though my approach works for my clients every day, sometimes I still surprise myself. For example, last week I was shocked to find that, without doing much, I’d easily lost 10 pounds. Off my body.

After resisting diets and exercise for years, this was nothing short of miraculous.

And. On top of this, I realized that my life, in and outside of work, is more balanced that ever before. My desk stays clean. I’m having more fun. I’m enjoying my life more.

I’m no Goody Two Shoes.

It wasn’t always this way. Just ask my family. I was scattered, sloppy, over-committed, and prone to bouts of exhaustion and drama after overextending myself for too long.

So, like the weight loss, the balance I feel in my work and the enjoyment I feel in my life are nothing short of miraculous.

And I haven’t worked all that hard at it.

Here’s how I got from there to here (and so can you)

I started accepting myself exactly as I am right now.

(Before your roll your eyes and click away, bear with me.)

Here’s what I mean:

I took a good long look at my life and discovered that guilt and self-judgment weren’t all that effective at making the changes I wanted in my life. Yelling at myself for my clutter didn’t improve anything, it just made me feel really badly. Berating myself for forgetting a commitment didn’t get me to change. I just felt horrible instead.

Maybe you can relate to wanting something to change (your office, for example). To be different – and yet not be able to make it happen.

In my heart, I honestly wanted to have less clutter, more clarity, more free time. One day, it dawned on me that harsh self-judgment just wasn’t that effective at creating the results I wanted.

So I started experimenting with a totally different strategy: acceptance.

The golden key

In the words of educator, Carl Rogers, “People only seriously consider change when they feel accepted for exactly who they are.” Acceptance is the key. Acceptance has the power to transform.

The acceptance, in this case, was coming from within.

It was halting at first, make no mistake. But over time, I began to accept myself and my choices as neutral and things started to shift.

Here’s why acceptance is the golden key: If you’re trying to grow a business, you need business skills. More importantly, it’s you who’s running the business, so you also need self skills. Acceptance is arguably the most important.

The litmus test

If you’re not sure if you’re being judgmental or accepting, imagine saying or doing to someone else (an employee, for example) what you’re saying or doing to yourself.

Berating yourself for another missed appointment or overdue bill? Insisting that you work 10 days in a row without any free time to dream? Harshly critiquing your work as inferior or substandard?

Can you imagine doing or saying these things to another living soul? If not, this is your litmus test. You could use some acceptance.

Judgment says: “You slob. Why can’t you ever keep anything organized?”
Acceptance says: “Hmm. I can’t see the surface of my desk.” (neutral)

Judgment says: “I’m so fat and ugly. I don’t deserve clothes that feel good.”
Acceptance says: “I weigh 188 pounds.” (neutral)

Judgment says: “Taking time for myself is unimportant and selfish.”
Acceptance says: “I’m not sure what I’d do with some me-time.” (neutral)

Is there room for more acceptance in your life?

Acceptance is a decision you make again and again.

And again. The amazing thing is that when you accept yourself and free your spirit from self-judgment, your stuckest, most unappealing behaviors and traits will start to shift. Without having to work so hard.

My clean office, 10 pounds lost, and happy heart are proof.

Things to try

1. Notice your self talk and whether there is room for more kindness in it.

2. Practice saying things that are neutral, rather than judgmental. Even if it feels awkward. This will take practice.

3. Celebrate small successes. With this technique, change comes in bite-sized pieces. Practice noticing them and congratulating yourself when they happen.

Have you ever made a significant change in your workspace? Are you thinking about one?

Whether you’re dreaming about getting a new computer, setting up a website, or rearranging the location of your desk – there is change on your horizon.

Change is good – it means you’re learning and growing your business.

A little nerdy factoid for you: the Latin root of the word “change” is “to barter.” In other words, when you make a change in your workspace, there’s bound to be some negotiating – and it’s mostly an “inside job.”

Who’s bartering for your attention?

When you begin an effort to change something, there is a side of you that liked the old, familiar way of doing things. It has needs that, if addressed, will make the transition easier. And the side of you that’s excited about the future possibilities will also have needs. That’s just how it goes.

If you were to tell one of those two sides “suck it up” – it can make adjusting to the change a lot harder. Imagine how a conversation like that might go with a loved one (I’m guessing not very well). So, be gentle with yourself and your needs when you’re going through a change.

You might have noticed that once you decide to make a change in your workspace that there’s a feeling of momentum and energy behind it. You might feel excited and want to stop everything and set it up as soon as you think of it.

The trick is to use this momentum to your advantage.

Feeling stuck instead of psyched?

If you want to change something about your office or business processes – and you don’t feel momentum, make a mental note of this. If you feel draggy or apathetic, that’s really okay. It’s even normal. The steps below will help you discover what’s missing and the apathy will dissolve.

3 steps that disarm resistance

1. Think about where you want to end up.

Think about a change you want to make in your workspace that will have a positive impact on your business and how you feel in your workspace.

Write or think about what impact the change will have on your work experience. How will you benefit from making it? How will your office feel once you do? How will you feel?

2. What are the challenges you face when it comes to making this change?

You might have time constraints or financial ones. You might be resistant to learning something new. You may feel like you don’t have enough information or support to take the next step.

3. Decide what your next step will be.

Remember those needs I mentioned? Now’s a great time to give them some thought. To make the transition smoother for you, what do you need? Once you know this, you can create a plan.

If you’re the kind of person that likes to write out all the steps, go for it. But if you can’t see very far ahead, that’s okay too. Figure out what your very next step will be, and take it.