How do I change someone else’s cluttered habits?
Got clutter that’s not yours?
If you live or work with someone who’s disorganized, you’re miserable around her sometimes. You also realize that she’s pretty miserable too. Clutter is frustrating for everyone.
People ask me this a lot: How do I get her to change?
My answer: You can’t.
She probably needs help. And you might think that you’re helping by offering suggestions. Maybe you pick it up for her. Or sneakily throw stuff away when she’s not looking. Or nag. Or issue ultimatums. Or even beg.
To be honest, we all do these things in an attempt to get an uncomfortable situation to change. They’re all strategies that supposedly make different choices. You can absolutely try all of these things, but they just don’t work.
The nature of change
The truth is, you can’t change someone. You can coerce, cajole, and nag, but you can’t really force change onto someone. Change is an inside job — and even that hardly works! Think about the last time you resolved to change a habit. Every time I do, it’s a lesson in humility.
Change is hard. And slow. If we can hardly get ourselves to change, it’s even less successful when it’s another person.
Why attempts to change others don’t work
Attempting to change someone else almost always backfires. People have an automatic, ingrained response to someone attempting to change them. I’ll bet you can guess what that automatic response is.
When you try to get someone to clean up her clutter (read: change), she resists. She pushes back. Or she avoids the issue and hides it. In other words, nothing gets resolved. What’s worse, you damage the trust in your relationship.
Don’t suck it up
Living or working with someone who is cluttered isn’t a cake walk. It’s hard, disruptive, and stressful. It’s hard for you personally, and it’s hard to see someone you care about struggle.
You probably have some good intentions at heart by wanting to help make it better. You may also be sending the unintended message that she’s wrong or bad for doing things the way she does.
It’s important to take care of yourself. If you have a space where you can close the door, this is a good thing. You get a reprieve. This isn’t the final solution, however.
Some unexpected, practical suggestions
The one thing you can do that will help is offer acceptance. Nothing creates an environment more ripe for change than this. In fact, acceptance is a core value of Inspired Home Office. When a person feels deeply accepted as they are, that is the moment when lasting change becomes possible.
Your role, as someone who loves and lives with a cluttered person, is to communicate to her that she is accepted as they are — imperfect and beautiful. By changing how you interact with her, it becomes safe for her to start making her own changes.
It sounds crazy, but in my years of working on this issue, acceptance is the tool I use again and again. It works.
Acceptance in action
If you want to try acceptance, the following suggestions are ideas for practicing it:
- Find a part of her that you love and accept without question. Like her good heart. Or her laugh. Think of some of the qualities she has that you admire. Share this with her without ‘buts.’
- Use humor. I have an annoying habit (according to Inspired Spouse) of removing plastic bread tags and leaving them on the kitchen counter. (Oh, if that were my only annoying habit!). One day, I was fishing through my purse and found three of those bread tags at the bottom. I laughed out loud — and I got the point! If you’re using humor, check your intention. Be sure it’s clean and not intended to jab or criticize. Used well, humor can diffuse stress and encourage creative solutions.
- Share how specific kinds of clutter impact you — without blame. Share your truth without expecting anything to change. It’s especially helpful if you share your feelings. For example, you could say, “When I see your desk, I feel helpless, frustrated, and overwhelmed.”
- Refrain from judgment. It’s tempting to think that you could do thing better than she can. Unfortunately, putting yourself in the role of judge can be a set-up for the judged. Instead, keep an open mind that there are more solutions available than you know of. Be open to the idea that this person might need very different organizing systems from you. Be curious about her.
- Ask what she needs — and listen. Although you may think you already know what she needs and how to fix things, listening non-judgmentally is profoundly healing. Listening can heal some of the conflict between you (if there has been any) and dissolve the judgement. It builds trust and it helps her feel supported.
- Ask how you can support her. Instead of being an adversary, let her know that you’d be willing to help if she asked (if this is really true for you). Cluttered people often feel very lonely and helpless (even though they are quite capable). Offering assistance can help her find the courage to begin to address her disorganization.
- Find an outlet for your frustration. If the clutter is really getting to you and change isn’t happening, talk to someone about it. You need empathy and listening too. Bottled up hostility don’t help improve a situation.
Of course, if you do any of these things with the express intention of changing the person, it will backfire. By refraining from judgement and becoming an ally to the cluttered person, you’re creating a safe environment where change can become possible where it wasn’t before.
I wish you blessings on this journey. Feel free to comment below!
