How the retreat really went

Originally, I went on retreat because I wanted to get away.

Away from what? Good question. I made the mistaken assumption that my sources of anxiety were outside of me. I believed if I left them behind for a few days that all would be well. I can hear you chuckling. The only thing that all my problems have in common is me.

I’m going on a picnic and I’ll bring…

Remember that game? I’ll bring an apple, banana, carrot, etc.? Well, I started with the b’s. I brought my brain.

What I realized after my first day on retreat is that although I was physically removed from my life, my head came along with me. You know that thing that offers a running narrative on your moment-to-moment actions and thoughts? That. And considering that my brain also runs all my bodily functions, I just couldn’t leave it at home.

Removing myself from my life gave me the opportunity to pay attention to and listen to what was going on in my mind. Let me tell you, there’s a reason why we delay taking time off or time alone – it’s hard to sit with those voices.

During our daily lives we do a lot of things that push down or pacify those voices. For me, it’s Twitter, email and Facebook… but it can be a lot of things. Television, web surfing, gossiping, arguing, sudoku, eating, and busywork can all help us push away our thoughts – at least temporarily.

When you get quiet or get away, there they remain, waiting for your attention.

I’m also bringing my heart.

In addition to my brain, I also brought my soft, squishy lub-dubber with me.

The distracting activities I mentioned above are also effective at preventing feelings from coming up. Especially emotions that are uncomfortable, sad, or painful. It’s a way of caring for yourself, these activities, if you don’t have room for them in your life or support to deal with them.

While I was on retreat, I felt anxious at times, sad, reverent, peaceful, irritated… just like in my normal life. Being “away” didn’t change that.

What was different, though, is that on retreat I had the spaciousness to sit with all the feelings that arose and treat them as honored guests. Or at least as tolerable visitors. I don’t always have room in my life for this. My heart wasn’t confined or busy. As the days went by, I felt lighter and lighter.

I got quiet enough to listen to to my heart’s wants and needs without skepticism and really honor them. By listening well, I discovered that this fall, my heart wants to focus on clearing out, saying “no”, pruning what isn’t life-giving, and allowing some things to pass away in my life. Considering that I often focus on growth and expansion, this was a refreshing surprise. And a relief.

Well… and you, too.

Here was the most surprising thing: when my brain had had its say and my heart felt open and expansive… well, I started feeling really rested and happy. I stopped thinking about me and started thinking about and sending loving thoughts toward my loved ones, my friends, and eventually all the people in my community including you. This came naturally and I couldn’t help it.

When I got filled up, it easily overflowed to everything and everyone else. That’s how it’s supposed to work.

The moral of the story

You may have read the first and second part to this mini-series on retreats as self-care. If you have, wow… thanks for hanging in there with me. Now that we’ve reached part three, I’ll tell you the moral of the story: you are nature.

Woah, what?

That’s right: You are nature. And nature rests. Look at any garden in the northern hemisphere right now. You’ll see they’re all settling in for a nice 3-5 month nap without guilt or excuses or even a solid timeline for recommencing.

I waited two-and-a-half years before I took a much-needed rest. I’m committing here and now to retreating for 4 days every 3 months – even though I’m not yet sure how I’ll make it happen. I’m worth it – and so are you.

What are you needing rest-wise?