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Take a moment right now to take stock of everything you need to do today. What’s on your list? If you’re like most creative people, it’s long. Would it be an understatement to call it  overwhelming?

Creative people are optimists – which is why we write to-do lists that are far longer than we can humanly accomplish. We are pretty good at denying reality and trying to pack it all in anyway.

When faced with a ton of things to do, most people try to solve the “not enough time” problem by hurrying. If we hurry, we reason, we can get everything done. In hurry mode, I imagine I look like a little time-elapse robot doing everything faster: working, reading email, brushing teeth, eating, walking, driving (eek!) – even talking with loved ones.

Not only do we speed up to fit more in, we cut corners. When I’m hurried I check out during conversations, skip flossing, disregard traffic rules. I know it’s not a good thing to do, but I’m in a hurry. Right?

Busy isn’t a virtue

Being busy is habit-forming. Once you start speeding up, it’s very hard to shut it off. We zip from one thing to the next without noticing how unsatisfying it feels. Even if we want slow down, we live in a culture that applauds a schedule that’s packed solid from dawn to bedtime. We’re pressured into doing more in less time. Ask anyone how they’re doing today, and practically no one says “fine” anymore. Everyone says “busy.”

But is busy what we’re really craving?

When I ask my clients how they want to feel ideally when they’re working, they say things like: calm, peaceful, open, connected, inspired, and alive. Sounds so appealing! That’s because we’re really not striving to feel more overwhelmed and short on time. Even if we end up getting stressed out, most people seek something more sustaining.

Busy is a choice

Being busy is an addiction that’s is challenging to recover from. Adrenaline and cortisol are hormones your body releases in response to stress. When we’re under stress, they motivate us.

Is fast useful sometimes? Sure! Back in the days of the Pony Express, a horse would be ridden at full gallop to get the mail delivered in an unprecedented amount of time (10 whole days – can you imagine?). At each checkpoint, the rider would switch to a fresh horse. Most of us know too well what it’s like for the horse who’s left behind. He collapses. It takes him days to recover. Like those ponies, we can only run at top speed for so long before we run our of energy – not to mention attention and patience.

Being busy, over-committed, and sped up don’t seem like a healthy choice for anyone (including those poor horses), but we do it every day. There’s no need to judge yourself, but waking up to it – and the consequences it has on your life – is the best place to start making a change for the better. And calmer.

The price of being in a hurry

While it can be interesting and even fun to have a life that’s packed solid, being hurried for too long can take a toll on your short-term memory, your sense of well-being, and your ability to react to small frustrations reasonably. I speak from personal experience — when I feel worried and slightly ticked-off — these are signs that my life is over-full.

Here’s the thing: when you’re at capacity, there’s nowhere for extra stress to spill. It just splashes over onto everyone and everything. You talk faster. You try to work faster. When something goes wrong, it feels catastrophic, even when you know in your head that it isn’t that big a deal. Life needs some room in it when the unexpected pops up – so when we fail to create that, we run around feeling tense and leaking this bad energy to those around us.

The other impact of being busy for too long is that people are more likely to get sick. It’s almost as if getting sick is the only way to slow the body down enough to catch one’s breath. Sometimes it’s a bad headache, or an upset digestive system. Other times it’s a full-blown virus. Your immune system just can’t keep up.

The greatest loss in being speedy is that we stop enjoying even things we love to do: enjoying delicious meals with friends, a favorite hobby, watching the kids play soccer, stroking a pet, kissing our special someone, day dreaming… We’re so busy trying to rush, to fit in one more thing, that we stop being present. We do things on automatic — meanwhile worrying about how much time it’s taking.

Busy-ness makes us lose our ability to enjoy life’s simplest pleasures.

There must be another way.

Life is for living, not running around, feathers flying, hoping the sky doesn’t fall. There’s more to your life than more. Creating balance sometimes means having less and doing less so you have room for what you crave. If you’ve been putting off a vacation, or a beloved creative outlet, or quality time with loved ones, look inward.

If you revisit your list of today’s to-dos, you might notice as you glance down the list that some of the items induce stress or dread in you. There are usually the “urgent and important” things we make time for no matter what. Beyond those you may find some other items that are interesting, compelling, and enjoyable. These are the activities most people have a harder time getting to.

Things to try:

1. Take a little time to notice what impact being over-full and in a hurry has on you, your dreams, and those you love. Do you feel satisfied?

2. Ask yourself: Is there something else you’re craving? If so, what do you really need? Trust whatever answers come up for you.

3. Notice whether there’s anything you’d consider letting go of that would add to you sense of satisfaction.

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Just about everyone has one part of the house where the unwanted curiosities go. Sometimes it’s a drawer or an unused room, sometimes it’s in the attic or basement. When I have an item I’m not sure I need anymore, it goes in the mudroom for the next trip to the garage.

Here’s a list of some of our most recent unwanted oddities:

• a large box from a computer part
• a stack of unloved books
• a huge laundry soap bucket
• several bags of sticky, empty soda cans
• our old mattress

I didn’t think about what I wanted to do with all these things when they went to the garage. I just know I don’t want them in the house — so out they went!

The outcome of deferring

Putting stuff in the garage (or other room) without thinking defers making the final decision. Deferred decisions have a very “ugh” feeling to them. No matter what room you put things in you can tell by how it feels.

Sometimes I go out in the garage and I just can’t bear to look around. It’s too overwhelming. If you can relate to this feeling, it’s normal. Your brain can only handle one thing a a time (no matter how well you multitask), and when there are innumerable things in your garage, it stops your brain in its tracks. Instant overwhelm.

Every time we defer deciding what to do with an object, we add to our feelings of overwhelm.

Wrestling with “more is more”

It’s normal to be overwhelmed, in part because of the world in which you live.

I used to live in a house built in the 1920s. I loved the Craftsman style and architecture – what I hated was the lack of storage. When we finished the basement, the first priority was adding closet space. Looking back, it makes me wonder what’s changed so much about lifestyles in 100 years that would warrant such a drastic need for storage. Many older houses just had a nail to hang a Sunday dress on! Are human beings so different today?

Humans haven’t changed in a century, but our culture’s priorities have. Most Westerners are caught up in the pursuit of the newest, the biggest, the latest trends – even though very little of it adds lasting satisfaction or peace to our lives. I think that marketing messages escalate our fears of being caught unprepared and being the odd-person-out. We collect stuff to feel safe.

The more we stuff we accumulate, the more time we spend managing it all. This effectively reduces the time we have for the relationships we crave.

Alternatives (they do exist!)

A variety of communities have sprung up around voluntary simplicity and the slow movement. Wise people are waking up to the idea that more/newer/better doesn’t fulfill our heart’s needs. These communities help people reclaim their lives and loves.

As I’ve been on my own path to slowing down and choosing simplicity, I am finding more time to self-nourish, to enjoy my partner and friends, and even reclaim a hobby or two. How 20th century!

While I don’t have anything to share in discussions about TV shows or the latest gadgets (I own neither), I would really rather hear about people’s hearts anyway. I’m slowly defining myself less by what I own, and more by who I am.

But what about the stuff in my garage?

Right. About that. Whether your stuff comes from your office, kitchen, or other room, everything makes its way to the garage in the end. And there it sits, accumulating. Waiting for you to decide its fate.

The dread of this project comes from deferring so many decisions into one place – especially if you have attachment or emotions toward any of the items that languish there.

My primary suggestion is to make peace with letting it go. You will inevitably let each thing go – either now or when you die. The question is: how long you want to live with that “ugh” energy?

If you’ve had enough, roll up your sleeves and try these 3 practical steps:

1. The journey of a thousand miles:
Start with one thing in your garage. One thing only. Pick it up and look at it. Make room for any feelings that come up for you around this item.

2. Find where it goes:
Be curious about where it goes next. Once you’ve decided, commit to letting it go even if you haven’t gotten all the possible use out of it. Even if you think you could/should make money from it. Let go.

Research appropriate homes for it, but acknowledge that it’s an alien to you now, not your possession. Once you know where it goes next (recycle, donate, disposal), take it there.

3. Rinse, repeat:
Keep doing these two steps until only the essential remain. It sounds so easy, most people ignore this advice as simplistic. It’s challenging, but very effective. Just start.

I still have 2 cards to go, but I just had to share the success! I’ve been writing about my credit card debt for a while now and it’s thrilling to have this accomplishment under my belt.

Other things I’ve done lately to get the other 2 moving forward:

• Transferred a high APR balance to a lower APR card.
• Set a goal for how much I pay each month for all the cards and stick to it.
• Pay off more than my goal when possible.

I’ve also discovered an inspiring blog called Get Rich Slowly, which applies Slow Movement concepts to personal finance. The blog is full of common sense advice with a dose of humor and zen. If you’re struggling with debt and cash flow, I highly recommend it.

At this point, I have 2 years, 8 months left to go before I’m done with credit card debt for good. It’s slow progress, but boy does it feel good!

“It has to be perfect! What will they think of me if it isn’t?”
“It’s so far from perfect, I just can bring myself to even work on it.”
“Why bother? It/I will never be perfect.”

You may want to be reasonable and compassionate with yourself, but you still crave perfection sooo badly. The pursuit of it can depress and exhaust you.

So what’s really going on?

The root of the word “perfect” (Merriam-Webster Dictionary) comes from two words: “per” (thoroughly) and “facere” (to make). To do something thoroughly. In other words, to complete.

Completion sounds more reasonable than some of the ultra-sparkly “perfect” things we see in ads and on TV. To make something thoroughly brings it into the realm of human ability. It’s do-able.

The problem we encounter with completion, is that life doesn’t have thorough endings. We empty the recycle bin, it fills back up again. You clean off your bookshelves, and a few months later there are more books on it. You finish an article, but you use the material again in the future.

Many of my clients are eager to have a photo-ready home office, but using the space means that even when it looks perfect, this is just a temporary state. Nothing is ever done. But knowing this means that there’s a better way to find completion and perfection that is in union with this principle of flow.

Aren’t we the judge of what’s perfect?

In some ways, you are the judge of what is perfect. On twitter yesterday, I searched for “perfection” and found people saying they’d found perfection in specific categories: weather, a CD mix, a Broadway soundtrack, a margarita, and an actor. Each of these assessments is personal. We have an internal sense of what is perfect to us, based on our own standards.

Perfection also exists in the form of the Divine, independent of our judgments. There is an essence of the Divine which is Perfection Itself which no person can ever achieve. In the same way that the Divine love is perfect love, we love imperfectly. Your essence is perfect, but as your strive for divine perfection in your actions, they will always be expressed imperfectly.

All of this heady stuff is here to make a single point. I promise I’m getting there.

What is your need?

Look within and think about something you wish could be perfect, even for just a few hours.

For many people, seeking perfection comes from a desire for approval, to be accepted, to belong. This is a deep human need, and we think perfection will help us get this need met. Some people seek perfection in fear that something bad will happen. Failure to meet high standards turns some wonderful people into controlling, stressed-out souls.

If you’re trying to create a life that’s harmonious and perfect, I invite you to reflect on what your primary motivation is to get there.

Are you making perfection a condition of happiness?

Perfection itself isn’t the problem, it’s the pursuit of perfection that troubles us. We fall into the trap of thinking, “When my desk is clean…” “When the bills are paid…” “When I get some time to myself, ahhh… then I will be happy.”

You’ve probably heard the “if-then” concept from others wiser than I. With regard to this topic, it’s worth repeating: contentment has no conditions. Besides the few basic biological ones, there are no conditions. No finish line requires you to cross it before you can be happy, satisfied, and content.

The challenge, and the opportunity, lies in accepting where you are right now on your journey toward perfection. Accepting that wherever you are, it’s just the right place to be. There’s nothing you need to do except take a moment to notice, and even appreciate, where you are on your path.

In fact, you may find that the less you push for perfection in your life, business, and workspace, the closer it becomes. If you can let go of your attachment to a specific outcome, and become open to the lessons the divine provides, your path will be less stressful and more joyful.

“I am careful not to confuse excellence with perfection. Excellence, I can reach for; perfection is God’s business”
~ Michael J. Fox

“Perfection is no more attainable for us than is infinity. One ought not to seek it anywhere: not in love, nor beauty, nor happiness, nor virtue; but one should love it, in order to be virtuous, beautiful and happy, insofar as that is possible for man.”
~ Alfred de Musset

Thoughts? Yeah, buts? Me toos?

It was an accident, and I hope it didn’t bother you. I thought about sending out a follow-up message, explaining my error, but I didn’t want to further gum up your inbox. As it was, I sent out 1,100 of the same email to everyone who subscribes.

(laughing at myself)

A bunch of people emailed me back with comments like,

“5??”

“Need a day off?”

“Working on your golf swing?”

“That’s it?? Just 4??”

“Good numerology, Jen!”

“I thought maybe we were playing Secret Agent and that was a code of some sort, and the correct response was something like, ‘The falcon soars beyond the golden wheat field at dawn.’”

In reality, “4″ just stands for the 4th message in a series that I was working on, but I accidentally hit send. Woops!

So the lesson of the 4 is that we’re all human, we all make mistakes, and it’s okay to laugh at our humanness. : )

Have you made any humorous errors lately that you’d like to share?

This has been a week in which my best intentions were thwarted, and I received feedback from a couple of trustworthy sources that I wasn’t “on my game.” Email was part of it, but I also gave out the wrong time for a class, failed to prepare properly for a meeting, and spent too much time working on stuff that wasn’t all that important.

Stressful? You bet.

My high standards are where the problem started. When I made my first flub of the week, the little Gremlin of Self-Judgment perched on my shoulder and whispered some not-very-nice things about me.

When I made my second flub, the whisper became a stern repartee.

It only got worse from there. I mean, seriously! I was counting my errors! By the end of the week, I was buried in self-judgment, exhausted, and feeling rather insecure about my competence as a business owner.

Thank God I’m normal.

If people I admire didn’t tell me they have weeks just like this, I would be really scared. But I know it’s normal.

If anything, making a few gaffes this week illustrates how far I’ve come as a cluttered creative person. I used to forget things daily. I was constantly late, making excuses and tearfully begging forgiveness. My teachers never knew how to grade me at the end of a semester because (although I participated enthusiastically in class) I’d never turned in any homework.

I have come a long way.

What trips me up

When I start forgetting things, I use it against myself. As evidence.

That nasty gremlin is out to prove that I’ll always be that disorganized girl. It says, “You think you’re so organized, we’ll just see, shall we?!”

And then I make another mistake. “See?? Ha! Ha! You ARE the same person you’ve always been! You’ll never be organized!” And then I make even more mistakes.

Ugh.

Ever been there? It totally sucks.

What I do (and maybe you might like to try too)

The other day, I had a nice talk with my wonderful, sensitive uncle and friend — who also happens to facilitate non-violent communication (NVC) groups. Uncle Tim caught me off guard when he used a term I’d never heard before, “self-empathy”. When he said it, little bells rang gleefully inside my heart.

Self-empathy!

I don’t know how the official NVC technique works, but yesterday when I “caught” myself making a mistake and entertaining that nasty gremlin, I took a deep breath — and this is what I said to myself:

“Jen, you are having a hard week. You’re feeling badly about not showing up the way you want to with people you really love. You’re feeling really embarrassed for missing connections and for giving incorrect information. It’s okay to feel sad and embarrassed and disappointed.

“You’re human. It’s okay to make mistakes and not to be perfect. You are doing the best you can right now. I want to remind you that your heart is in the right place. Forgive yourself for making these ‘errors’. Don’t let your past determine your future, okay? You can start fresh, right now. You are a good human being and I love you.”

I wiped away a few tears, took a deep breath… and sat for a while with a nice cup of tea. It was such a different way of talking with myself, and I could feel peace settling into my heart, where doubt and anxiety had been.

Compassion is a powerful tool for creating order

What I am slowly discovering is that the more compassionate I am with myself, the more productive I am. It sounds anti-intuitive, but judgment makes my spirit shrivel up and escalates stress. When I am compassionate with myself, I feel free. I have choices and see opportunities to adjust my actions creatively.

Of course, this is about organizing, but it’s also more than that. The truth is, no amount of order creates happiness. Only you can create happiness. So, while you’re on the path to becoming more organized and less cluttered, why not offer yourself the compassion and self-empathy you crave — and so rightly deserve?

Thoughts? Yeah, buts? Me toos?

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Abundance is here.

Do you have more stuff than you want — more paper, more books, more email, more commitments, more bills? If you’re trying to manifest abundance, stop! It’s already here! Most people I know have more to do in one week than a person could truly appreciate in a month or more.

This isn’t what we imagine abundance should look like. Personally, I imagined lying on a lounge chair on a warm beach, sipping something with a tiny umbrella in it. Ahhh.

But the abundance I have (and maybe you do too) is not the least bit relaxing. I never imagined that “abundance” would masquerade through my life as a cluttered stress-ball, but there it is.

Give me simplicity.

For many, the road from to simplicity is rocky. We like having things. We like being wanted. “I’m busy” makes us feel important. It can be hard to let go of the short-term payoffs, but this much intensity can create overwhelm in the long run.

Ask anyone whose desk is so full of paper and treasures that they can’t complete their taxes on time and are scrambling for an extension. Ask anyone who, literally, can’t find time to pee. It isn’t the kind of abundance they wanted, either, and it can suck the joy out of life.

The #1 sneaky lie that attracts overwhelm:

“I can fit it in.”

If you hear yourself say these words, freeze. This is your ego speaking.

The ego is a very specific kind of master: a task master. The ego doesn’t want simplicity, it craves complexity and drama. It wants you to be overextended.

If you want more simplicity in your life, you can beat the ego at its own game so you can act upon your deeper desires.

To do this, first it’s important to know how letting the ego rule your life and your calendar affects you.

Consequence 1: Antagonizing loved ones and strangers.

The more we attempt to fit in, the greater the chances the fight-or-flight response getting triggered.

Stress from over-commitment brings out the worst in people. Instead of being present, we’re testy. Instead of accepting, irritable. Instead of forgiving, we guilt-trip. Sometimes we hold those feelings in, which hurts our own hearts as well.

Consequence 2: Missed opportunities for connection

One night last week, Inspired Spouse came into my office to talk while I was finishing up “one last thing” that I “needed” to do. Truthfully, I heard only every 4th word and listened just enough to appease. Later, I realized that I’d missed a precious opportunity to meaningfullyconnect with my Most Important Person.

When we hurry, we miss opportunities to connect.

Consequence 3: Engaging in risky behaviors

While we’re over-committed and feeling rushed, we hurry to catch up. Traffic laws become negotiable. We tailgate. We cut people off in traffic. We speed. Suddenly our urgency is at the expense of others’ needs, including our own safety.

Consequence 4: Satisfaction denied

Cramming more to-dos into your day deprives you of the satisfaction of completing a job or task thoroughly. Many people don’t stop long enough to enjoy the feeling of completion, before rushing headlong into whatever is next. Life becomes an endless, depressing mound of stuff to do before we die.

Consequence 5: Craving more. Andmoreandmore.

It’s been proven that the faster a person eats, the greater the likelihood of overeating. The same could be said for internet usage, TV watching, gambling, reading, et cetera. When we rush to cram it all in, we immediately start to crave more because we never really have it in the first place. We’re not present enough.

Geneen Roth wisely said, “You can’t have enough of what you don’t really want.” She was speaking of food specifically — that no amount of Oreos can equal a relaxing soak in the tub. This applies to lots of other things, too. No amount of money can feel like love. Even 100 completed “to-dos” doesn’t feel like a talk with a good friend.

So what?

None of these observations is intended to convey that doing stuff is bad. On the contrary. Doing stuff is good, so long as it’s not done at the expense of your spirit and others who share the planet with you. I know that’s a tall order. I’m working on it myself.

Alternatives to “fitting it all in”.

Instead of cramming more into your day or onto your desk, here are a few suggestions to prevent “fitting more in”.

Know your limits

Reflect on how many hours of work will sustain you without creating burnout. Do you know how many social engagements can you handle each month and still enjoy yourself? Think about how many activities you really want to drive your kids to every week. When you have some limits established, it can be easier to maintain a healthy schedule and work load.

Build in buffer time.

Instead of scheduling your plans and tasks back-to-back, plan for things to take longer. My weekly appointment is a 20-minute drive, but traffic is always sketchy. When I started giving myself 30 minutes for the drive, I stopped driving like a speed demon and arrived calmer. Where might you need some buffer time?

Practice pausing.

Whether someone is asking for your time, or you’ve got something to add to your plate, catch yourself in the moment (when you can) and ask:

• Do I have to fit this in?
• Do I want to?
• Do I need (life or death) to do this?

You may choose the same way as before, but bringing consciousness to your choices makes you feel more empowered and less a victim of your “to-dos”.

Practice saying “no” kindly.

Most people think that if they’re asked, they should say yes. If you know that your week is at capacity, saying yes can push us over the edge. Saying “no” doesn’t have to be negative. When someone asks you to get together, focus on the intention behind the ask. Don’t assume that you are the only one who can handle it. Negotiate. (hint: I’m planning a fun event on this topic soon!)

Stop to celebrate and acknowledge your efforts.

Instead of rushing to the next thing, it can be profoundly satisfying to stop long enough to appreciate your efforts and recognize your accomplishments. Sometimes I ask others to do the same for me when I have a hard time believing it myself.

In the end

The contented life isn’t about having more, it’s having less and appreciating how abundant that really is.

May your week be less packed and your life more full.

Warmly,
Jennifer

Thoughts? Yeah, buts? Me toos?

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Sometimes it’s not the clutter.

Sometimes it’s what we think that causes the most trouble.

Imagine sitting down at your computer to check your email and, when you open the inbox, the number total unopened emails is in the 4-digits.

You look at that number glowing on your screen and quietly think to yourelf,

“I’m so behind. I’m never going to catch up.”

That little comment to yourself is so quiet that you hardly even notice it. Even if you do, it’s so quick, it barely registers before you’re on to the next thing.

Looking deeper

The effect that thought has on you is immense. Deep in your brain, that thought triggers a response to a threat. Your body begins to prepare for battle or flight – skin begins to sweat, heart rate increases, adrenaline is released to give you the power to run.

Most of the time, you have no idea it’s even happening. Your brain is on auto-pilot.

The problem is that you can’t put this response to good use. You can’t punch your inbox’s lights out. And, faced with 1000 emails, you probably won’t take flight and run screaming down the hall. All the body triggers are out of alignment with the actual stimulus.

Overload

Worst of all, if you’re like a lot of stressed-out, busy people, you’re constantly thinking these kinds of thoughts:

I’m so behind.
I should have this done by now.
I promised I’d have this back to her.
My client is showing up any minute.
I’m never going to get caught up.
I’ll never break through.
I forgot that AGAIN!?
I should be doing way more than I am.

Say these kinds of things to yourself enough times and you’ll feel like you’re always running and always fighting for some peace.

Case in point

If you’ve ever had the illusion that Jen Hofmann has it all figured out, think again. A couple of months ago I started having heart fluttering and chest pain – accompanied by pretty awful digestive problems. I had no idea what was going on and I was really scared.

Interestingly, right before the symptoms started, I had been thinking about how January was (in my mind) “a wash” and I kept telling myself, “I wasted a whole month. I should have been doing more to grow my business.”

I was talking myself into a mental frenzy – for what? January was fine.

When the symptoms started, I failed to see what a compassionate physician did: I was stressed to the point of anxiety. All because of my thoughts.

Stress isn’t a baseline state

When it comes to surviving en encounter with an angry mastodon, stress is a lifesaver. But when your opponent is your inbox or your kitchen counter or the vacuum cleaner, that level of stress is out of alignment. We all do it, but it really does us harm. Ask any cardiac expert.

Thoughts are an inside job

Lots of people jump to the conclusion that if the inbox is causing you stress, the solution is to clean it out. I say, woah there. Not so fast.

Instead, I invite you on a journey of far greater subtlety:

1. Practice noticing your thoughts.

Like a lot of people, if you can’t see something, it doesn’t exist. Inspired Spouse suggested yesterday that I start keeping a list of the thoughts that come up for me. What a fabulous idea. I’m keeping a running list for the next week, just to see what’s there.

Neutrally observing your beliefs is freeing in a way that a desperately clean desk isn’t.

2. See your thoughts as visitors, not guests.

Instead of opening the door and willy-nilly letting in any thought, ask yourself if you want what they’re selling.

Just because a Girl Scout rings the bell, doesn’t mean she can move into the guest room. Just because you think you’re behind, doesn’t mean that belief needs to move in and run your life.

When you start seeing your thoughts as visitors, you’re actively loosening the hold they have on your spirit – not to mention your autonomic nervous system. You get to decide what stays and what goes – which is empowering.

3. Gently start sending your thoughts away.

In other words, when you notice a thought, don’t cause more damage by telling yourself, “Dummy! Why are you thinking that again?”

Be gentle.

Notice if there are thoughts you want to release because they’re not really true. If you’re feeling behind, behind compared to what? What if it were okay to be exactly where you are right now, even if it’s not where you wanted to be?

The key is to begin to cultivate gentleness toward yourself.

The thoughts inside your head are sometimes harsh and cruel – and you can’t thrive in an environment like that. When you put your spirit in front of the line, the thoughts may still come up but they won’t run your life. It might be a long journey to get to that place, but just think of the possibilities.

Thoughts? Yeah, buts? Me toos?

Names.

I dread those grocery-store moments. We’ve already locked eyes. A greeting is imminent. And my heart starts to thud because I have no idea what the person’s name is.

Having lived in Salem for 12 years and having held numerous jobs in which I met hundreds of new people every year, forgetting names and personal details is bound to happen. I feel added pressure, however, because some of those people are past clients who’ve hired me at Inspired Home Office.

At an inauguration party last year, I ran into a wonderful woman I recognized (and good thing – as I had worked with her in her home for several months), I just couldn’t remember her name. In fact, twice that night, I introduced her to others by the wrong name – and didn’t realize it until I’d gotten home later. Oh, the embarassment.

You can see why I go to such lengths to avoid the pain of making such a personal mistake. Most of us do!

Here’s what I do remember names

• Rely on synesthetic information - I have a fun and crazy brain thing called synesthesia – in which I perceive all the letters of the alphabet to have a color. In other words, the letter “j”, to me is pink. If a person’s name starts with the letter “m”, usually the whole name is also blue. Inspired Spouse thinks this is a neato-fun party trick. Synesthesia is pretty handy for remembering names because I remember the color better than the name. Odd. But fun.
• Repetition - When I meet people, especially if it’s someone I’m likely to meet again, I ask them to repeat their name for me. I ask how they spell their name. I say it again if possible during our conversation. At gatherings, I’ll go around the room and (to myself) say each person’s name. My test is to see how many people I can say goodbye to by name.

• Writing it down - At meetings, I’ll draw a little seating chart and write the names of everyone present as they introduce themselves. Even if I already know them well – sometimes I totally blank. I ask for business cards and write details on the back to help me remember more about them. When I teach in-person classes, I use name tags or table tents so their name is visible.
• Stories - People love to talk about themselves and I’m genuinely curious. So if a person has an interesting name – and we have a little time to talk – I ask them to tell me the story of their name. Not only do I learn something often personal and tender about them, but this also gives me repetition, synesthetic info, and a story – which is a lot more to go on if I ever meet them in the grocery store.

Here’s what I’m working on

• Recovery – If I draw a total blank on a name, I will usually default to my smiling, open self, apologize, and ask for a refresher. I sometimes ask for details about how we know each other. Usually, once I have enough context, I remember lots of things about the person. I just have to be patient with myself while I’m catching up.

• Forgiveness - When I thought up this post, I thought it would be cute and fun, but I’m realizing that I have a lot of shame (and evidently high expectations of myself) that I don’t remember names easily. Being gentle with myself is probably the hardest thing of all, but I’m getting there. I’m human. We all are.

What do YOU do that helps you remember names?

Your turn! If you’d like, please share what you’re doing that helps you remember names – and also something that you’re working on/experimenting with.

Your comments on your own process are welcome. Just remember to give advice to me or others only when it’s specifically requested. This makes exploring safe and learning possible for every reader.

Online distractions.

Although the Web and email are all pretty handy tools, sometimes they’re so visually stimulating that they feel like threats. Enemies. Barriers to concentration.

If you want to focus, there are lots of ways to prevent distraction and still get the most from these tools.

Here’s what I do prevent online distraction

• Close browser tabs - Firefox and Internet Explorer (and I’m sure many other browsers) allow users to open an infinite number of tabs. I just know that if the little tab says Facebook, I will click on it whether I really want to go on Facebook or not. So I keep it (and other distracting websites) closed. In fact, I keep as few open as possible. Usually just my gmail and gcal are open.

• Prevent popups - Most of us know about pop-ups from websites. But I’m talking about the pop-ups that Skype creates every time one of my contacts gets online. And the pop-up on gmail when someone wants to instant message me. And the pop-up that appears when an email comes into your inbox.

Concentration is hard enough without pop-ups, so I’ve turned them all off. With Skype, I have to actually log off. With gmail, I have to select my status as “offline”. If you have Outlook, you can opt out of the “so-and-so has sent you a message” announcements. And good riddance!

Here’s what I’m working on

• Twitter and Tweetdeck – I’m not sure I’m actually working on this, but I’m aware that although I keep very few browser windows open, I almost always have TweetDeck (a tool that makes Twitter easier to use) open. I’m still figuring out if it’s a distraction or a tool – or both.

What do YOU do that minimizes online distractions?

Your turn! If you’d like, please share what you’re doing that helps you in your business and/or life – and also something that you’re working on/experimenting with.

Your comments on your own process are welcome. Just remember to give advice to me or others only when it’s specifically requested. This makes exploring safe and learning possible for every reader.